|
Saturday, May 04, 2002
i finally got to meet mohawk boy tonight. All I said was 'hey' (tee hee). He and this other person stopped by my friend jessica's house, and we (me, nikki, and jaime) were there. He's such a nice guy; i can tell. too bad he has a boyfriend and too bad this happened the last week of school. ah well. whatcha gonna do? c'est la vie.
posted by rayve nation
@ 23:12
- - - - - - -
its ok, i knew what you meant. i just felt like typing something
posted by rayve nation
@ 05:27
- - - - - - -
mike, if that was for me, not "it's fine" like just kidding - "it's fine" like, oh, i'll live and grow and figure out stuff about myself so i can move onto the next plane and quit trying to marry my dad. dig?
posted by vic
@ 02:07
- - - - - - -
what the FUCK
posted by rayve nation
@ 01:26
- - - - - - -
Friday, May 03, 2002
it's fine. i figured it out. it'll never hurt as bad as it did when i wrote that. i'll tell you about it in person, if you wish. it's just stuff about me and blah blah blah. see you all shortly! love you!
posted by vic
@ 20:52
- - - - - - -
Thursday, May 02, 2002
dude, iggy pop is bi
posted by rayve nation
@ 14:14
- - - - - - -
yeah, what the fuck?! iggy pop is gay?!!?!
posted by K-Lo
@ 14:00
- - - - - - -
what the FUCK
posted by rayve nation
@ 13:19
- - - - - - -
what's really creepy is that before all of this i has just put a picture of him in my wallet. now i feel like the only men i have left are david bowie, iggy pop and lou reed. three queers as old as the hills. im set.
posted by vic
@ 04:32
- - - - - - -
well, i always wondered what the worst day ever would feel like. i should listen to the smoking popes. now i know.
lost my wallet. called in and cancelled my credit card and my atm. found my wallet promptly thereafter. im a moron. that's nothing in the scheme of things. that's a sweet, sweet nothing.
my mom called. she told me i had to have fun tonight. she told me to go out to "my events" and i did. goddammit i tried. i drank beer and spit up with the best of them. i should have never left this building.
talked to sarah west at the c-haus. in an innocent conversation about summer plans i told her i was going to hungary and in my drunken bliss how much i loved peter.
then she grabbed me and pulled me in the bushes and told me all about how we've both been fucked, although her in the more literal sense, by this person that i thought was the only honest man ive ever met.
i feel half dead. i dont know how to get back what was lost.
he was fucking her the last two weeks of school. the same time he was telling me all of his stories, all of his love, all of his sweet sweet nothing.
she aint got nuthin at all.
didnt see this coming, did you? not a chance in hell. who knew? who would fucking guess that i was wrong again? who would even think that this was possible at this point? what am i supposed to learn from this? dont trust a soul? dont give your love? dont let those eyes grow larger, dont let that heart open to the point where anyone and their sick shit can get in?
i called him. and he said horrible things to me. he said, "i dont know what you're talking about. maybe you should sleep on this (that patronizing fucker). i never meant to hurt you. i didnt mean to hurt you."
i have heard that already. i heard my dad say that to my mom countless times. that's what people who dont take any responsibility for their actions say. that's what you say when youve already broken somebody's heart.
i had horrible nightmares last night, all night, that my dad was hitting me, leaving marks all over my body, while my mom watched and did nothing.
im a fucking mess. i was a mess before i heard any of this. now im just a dumb fuck.
there is no difference between me and every other whore to walk these streets. i listen and i give all my love and you can use this body and sleep in between these breasts with no back and my endless is so endless, oh it is deeper than anything you have ever even touched. and it holds every secret. yours and mine and all the secrets contained in this deep endless. i held his secrets in my endless and now i dont even know if i am holding anything at all.
nobody saw this coming. blind-sided.
i sobbed in front of this building. i sobbed so hard. it reminded me of the sobbing i did when i left him at the airport. that was the last time i cried this hard. i have written countless words for him. i have associated him with words of the highest honor. our love: transcendental and primal. our love, honest and emotional. our love. our hands holding. these places on my body that have his fingerprints on them. our palms connected. the back of my neck. the place where all my hurt goes, he touched it so lovingly. he pushed all the hurt out. my heart. his hand clenching mine, on my breast. i am broken. i am broken and now my last places are locked.
craig said, "that's what peter does. he shits and he fucks". he only says that because he has been hurt by him too. the red flags were a sweet pink. they were soft and billowy. i dont even know if they were there at all.
im going home tomorrow. i will have to explain this to my mom. she will have to take down the picture of us that is on the fucking dresser in the dining room. she will have to replace her feelings. she loved him too. called him family. he ate thanksgiving dinner with us.
am i wrong? god, let me be wrong. let me be wrong and i will eat it up. i will give up my pride. let me be wrong. let it all be wrong. did this just happen? do i have to remember this? do i have to redo my entire life?
i have a thousand dollar ticket to hungary leaving july 15th. i return from vienna, looks like that was right.
he said to me, "there is somebody here right now, and she is my girlfriend, and i am asking her if she wants to use the computer because i have to go outside now".
then my phone card ran out. needless to say, he didnt call back. i wrote him a horribly mean and honest email. im a good person so i dont know why anyone would want to do this. im smart so i dont know why anyone would think they could get away with it.
if i had lasted six more days i never would have known.
im ripped open now. i have to go to bed and go home. i dont want to see anyone. i am embarassed and i am hurt.
in what can only be a really ironic twist of events (fuck, peter would love that) all of my friends are sleeping with men right now. except for kat, of course who left early before any drama, as usual. she's probably got it right.
im gonna go to sleep in sasha's bed now. it's kinda like not being alone. i wish i didnt have to leave this on such an angsty note, but what are you gonna do? no way to make heartbreak and betrayal sound upbeat.
posted by vic
@ 04:22
- - - - - - -
I've been sick as a dog since sunday night. my parents got all worried and I've talked to each of them about 4 times each since I got sick. my mom overnighted a huge box of food- dry thai noodle packages, miso soup, luna bars, cough drops, cold season tea, breathe deep tea, some real bread- none of the 'potato bread' my roommates are into- so much good stuff. I already feel better, although I sound like shit.
I've been thinking about what I'm doing here and I've noticed it's not much. paying the out of state tuition doesn't seem at all worth it now that I'm not rowing. my plans to apprentice tattooing are never gonna happen here. and while it's really nice to be able to drive an hour, walk 200 yards and be standing in the pacific-- lake michigan tastes kinda salty...doesn't it? I wanna go home. I've got the 'go away to college' experience under my belt. it was fun. but I wanna go to class and not have to look at fucking sorority girls cookie cut out of the same fakin' baked, dyed blonde, played out dough. I don't want to listen to anymore knuckles dragging on the pavement getting caught up in frat boys' flip flops and abercrombie cargo shorts. motherfuckingWHITEHATS. I think I've been in denial about my situation here. I think being here up until this point was a good thing for me. but now it's over. I know that can live "successfully" (um, not wanting to die?) independently away from home ( =parents house), I've seen a different part of the country and gotten to know it well enough to traverse it a bit and know what going on. the bottom line is chicago is way fucking cooler than most places I've been. that's it. it was good to get away for a while so I could realize that and now appreciate it more.
I spent about an hour looking at the columbia website and apartment listings. just reading the descriptions and locations- which are specified only by neighborhood and distance from el lines/stops- made me drool. well, the school housing provides addresses, but I 'm feelin the non-school housing a bit more. I don't think I ever realized that it would be at all possible to live in an apartment in chicago by myself or with roommates if necessary. I think rent and tuition at cloumbia would be less than what my parents are paying now. and my mom is gonna shit herself when I tell her I want to come back. I feel like I've just discovered something. this is going to make the rest of this term tolerable. I already know I have to come back here in the fall for at least a term, maybe at least to pick up my shit. maybe I'll take one term off so I can regroup. new possibilities new plans. I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna be one of those art students, uh, not smoking outside downtown. I think. I hope? why didn't I think of this before?
but before I go:
I'm jesus with titties. I'm here to save you. (can we get that printed on shirts? I'd really like that)
posted by K-Lo
@ 02:53
- - - - - - -
Wednesday, May 01, 2002
Just wanted to say Peace to the Monster, because I'll be on hiatus. No computer and no stereo (mine is broken) at this new apartment---I'll have to make my own entertainment! Love you all. New number is either cell 312-952-8907 or 514 BUGLICE.
posted by Record Album
@ 12:28
- - - - - - -
Tuesday, April 30, 2002
I've decided to start speaking in the future perfect tense more often, as it is the most optimistic of the verb tenses, and if one employs it frequently, one will have had a positive day by nightfall.
posted by heinous
@ 12:53
- - - - - - -
oh lord, what have i done? there is writing all over my body including "come and get me" in huge letters on my back (which everyone thinks is particularly funny...hmph) and other unmentionable phrases and places. i drank so much last night that i have vertigo this morning. my head is splitting and my brain finally sunk into the back of my skull. i dont have anything to do all week so i must keep drinking i guess. three classes left tomorrow, two finals and two papers on monday. slackers play the metro tomorrow and a cotton candy truck and a moonwalk are coming to campus. once again we took off all our clothes and we went outside and i yelled "im jesus. jesus with titties. im here to save you." at some fratboys who werent even paying me any mind. then all us ladies and bryan stecker took a big shower. kelly stumbled upon it as usual (she's so het!). strangely enough, kelly was the only one not drinking. im going to lay low like saddam the rest of the day. i think we made people really mad. we didnt go to the floor meeting last night and they were going to address people smoking in the lounges, which were designated non-smoking at the beginning of the year. we are the ones who are doing it, and we didnt even show up because we were all busy having sasha do our makeup on one eye. (she's really good). i have to get outta here soon because i have no ability to care about other people - their feelings, their needs, their space, and i am getting more disrespectful and belligerent by the second. instead of trying to cure my asshole affliction, for which there really is no cure, i should just leave before i do something rash. time to go back to bed now. goodnight.
posted by vic
@ 12:35
- - - - - - -
This old school Air music is really lending an air of melodrama to my life right now. Alicia leaves Montreal tomorrow. She won't be back to live here until more than a year from now, and it's really sad. The next 24 hours will be such a rush of craziness. A friend of mine found me a place to live, so I won't be homeless, and I am really excited about it. I'll be living with two other women, who are already really tight, but life is full of situations of insecurity and the new. What a huge change to undergo. Not as big as the Chicago to Montreal change, but I'll be taking a micro-economics class and living in an unknown environment in a different location. I don't even think that I'll have a matress. That's too bad. This machine is going into storage soon, so I won't be so internet-functional anymore. I'll write all my e-mails and send all my packages tomorrow. My phone number will be dormant, but I'll give you the updated version, if any feel the yen to call. Going home to Chicago this weekend for Easter. This room was cleaned. All the marks and the rubber cement and photo corners from the wall will be packaged up. I'll have to put them up in my new room so I'll feel at home. The postcards, the pictures of people I'm not with anymore, the quotes, the paintings and the plaster breasts. Whoa, I just realized that this will be the first time in my life that I won't be living in a house. This is really an apartment. I've kept reading this meta-physics book of my grandmother's who died. All about replacing the negative emotions with positive---fear with love, worry with anticipation. This woman I know called another woman a slut and I reacted harshly, as usual. And she gave the typical excuse of calling boys sluts, too. She said that she thought the old make-out montreal boy was a slut. And then I fell into that mindset for part of the day, because it was just so easy to call him a slut and pawn all his behaviour off on this one label. I have to rewrite my list of reasons as to why people should not be called sluts or whores. It's so hateful and negative to sexuality. Why would you need that type of crutch? Have MUCH packing to do tomorrow morning at 9 am wake-up, so I'm out. Hope this finds all of you well.
posted by Record Album
@ 02:21
- - - - - - -
Sunday, April 28, 2002
Ha Ha! Kelly's a Chimneysweep! And my results say i need therapy! (I am a "Little Filthy Old Pervert")
posted by rayve nation
@ 11:48
- - - - - - -
oh this place. i am steeping in this foul cauldron of a mood. i just watched lost highway, which made me itch underneath my skin. then i thought i could score another bed in sasha's room but that didn't happen and so now i am left to sleep in this ant-bed. a festation of ants (large variety) has occured in my cd case. when i picked it up, they all scurried and so many have fled to other corners of this room. soon, the whole hall will know them. i dont want to clean so im just going to ride it out for the next week and a half.
my time concept is out of control in an annoying way. there seems to be an abundance of hours (until i can get the fuck out of here) and little to do, and barely any meaning to anything. all this molasses jittery skin time. i always want to watch tv and do drugs when this happens, which exacerbates the problem dramatically. grinding teeth, shakey leg, blowing brain.
i would sleep in the lounge but im scared of lost highway. i hate my bed so much. i have this problem where sometimes i notice that i am almost spasmodically clenching really tight my muscles and holding them rigidly. at night. i really dont like it. i cant sleep anymore. i just want to get out of here because i cant sleep here anymore. im freaking out about cigarettes too. every morning i have two stones in my lung bags and every night a butterfly in my heart. oh, that's poetic. just like emphysema. i didnt smoke today. all day. i havent done that in weeks. my heart palpitations went away, which was great. maybe i'll try to stay clean for a while so i can store up good air before new orleans. give 'em a little breather...hah!
please dont tell angela about the ant-attack. i dont think she knows yet and it is most certainly my fault and i just dont want to talk about it. every word is more painful than the last. i have to go now and then get up for brunch. cant miss brunch.
posted by vic
@ 03:24
- - - - - - -
Today seems to be a day of reflection. I feel a lack of love. I know that I am loved. I know it. But sometimes it is hard to see. There are wonderful people in this life, and you have to take advantage of the embraces, the touches, the love. Sometimes they will be taken away, but you live again. Don't burn bridges. Why? no.
I began to anger at my self-obsession, rooted in the power given to women solely on the basis of their looks. I was and still am irritated, enraged, by the lack of intimate touch in my life right now. I don't give two shits about "getting ass" right now, I can manage that department on my own---I just want the human touch, the human care. human. I drank a few Sleemans tonight, mostly as a defense mechanism. That's usually why I smoke so many cigarettes. I want to supress and repress and apease the feelings inside of me, and nicotene and tobacco seem to be the most efficient form of doing this so far. I'm going to quit smoking in May, because I'm so sick of this dependency, this incessant need, this ridiculous want of the unreal. I can't do it anymore. I have to live in the present, but I also have to watch out for this fucking future of mine. It hurts my lungs, it turns them a charcoal colour.
As for May, it will be the liminal feeling of my life. I don't have a place to live in yet, and I worry. I worry. I worry. I didn't realize that I worry so much, until someone pointed it out to me. May will truly be the great liminality of my year--I don't want to go "home" to Chicago, and I don't want to stay here. I will learn Micro-economics. I will fly home for Easter. I will go to Boston for my Birthday weekend.
Alicia is leaving on Tuesday and it makes me infintely sad. She has grown into my life to the extent of my family. She has been such an integral part of my experience of Montreal. I don't really know fully what to do with myself when she'll be gone. She's the only person left in Montreal who I will fully let check me. She and I spoke about it earlier and decided that we will both be forced to expand in our new environments. That's what I did when I crossed national boundaries to go to school here, isn't it? Yeah, that's exactly what happened, and I'll have to do it again, but I must. I will meet new people or be forced to consign myself to the world of the isolated people's of this world."Look at me...who am I supposed to be?... what am I supposed to be?...Look at me..." -John Lennon. Oh Johnny, how you have preached the word tonight.
Matt, I really loved that last sentence of yours---I will take it heart. I need to.
posted by Record Album
@ 01:45
- - - - - - -
|
