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Saturday, April 20, 2002
Happy Holidays my friends,
we went to a party at my friend chris' house last night. there were a couple guys outside dressed as police with flashlights and walkie talkies and a video camera hasseling everyone that was trying to get in. it was pretty amusing, especially when we found out that the guys that live there didn't even know about it. I was wearing my new favorite shirt- I got it on my adventure to portland. it's from national geographic and has the bright yellow frame around a big picture of a baby chimpanzee. on the bottom it says the world evolves around me. anyway, at midnight all the potheads in the house crammed into one of the bedrooms and we all got our smoke on. I explained to gonzo that when people ask me what one love means exactly, I can never really explain it except by saying that certain experiences exemplify what one love means. that was one of them. the guy next to me was wearing a jim mcmahon jersey from back in the day, angela and molly were singing Ain''t no fun (if the homies can't have none)- off of doggy style at the top of their lungs, it was just a fun time. eventually I got tired of being there and tired of my drunk friends- one peticular- so I decided to walk home. it was a nice long drunk walk. when I got home I was shushed while pulp fiction was on. a) who hasn't seen that movie 800 times and 2) I wasn't being that loud, don't shush me in my own house. I'll be over it in about 20 min. have a great day.
posted by K-Lo
@ 15:19
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Friday, April 19, 2002
i had to put out the cat. it wouldnt let me sleep and i turned into my mother and threw it out. it kept running back in before i could slam the door. once again, jesus is out of my life.
we went to denny's last night really late and drank coffee and smoked cigarettes. man, it was so great to be back in that element. we were all mad because we didnt get to sit next to the bad boys (three of them, one was eddie furlong with stretched ears) and instead were stuck behind this table of old d & d nerds. we were so tired when we left that we laughed all the way home.
posted by vic
@ 12:06
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Dear God, it's me, Stephanie. Remember at the beginning of Lent how I told you that I wouldn't eat dairy and make-out with Roman Catholics who share parents? Yeah, I'm real sorry about that piece of chocolate I ate and that boy that just left. Both instances were against my better judgement and I'm sure will hamper my life on several levels. But thanks for the 100 dollars that got put down my shirt by another boy, because I'm not giving it back, despite his pouting. Also, please don't let this new boy of interest be put off by his friend "walking me home," because he is real cute and small and artsy and has a Montreal accent. In addition, thank you for the diamond shoes, but they're a little tight around the toes--can something be done about that?
Hosanah in the highest!
Your friend,
Stephanie
posted by Record Album
@ 08:51
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I had another good conversation with my mom today. she made me laugh so much. not intentioanlly- she's just so nuts. I told her I drink beer. that discussion went as expected- well, with a lot of warning attached. my dad is coming back home, he's not going to be working on the texas project anymore. so at the end of our talk I asked my mom if she was gonna have to stop seeing her boyfriend now that dad is coming home. I'm such a jerk. but it was great. looooong silence, nervous laughter... 'what are you talking about?" 'I dunno what am I talking about" "I don't know. I'm looking at the cat, she doesn't know either. tell us. what do you know? " "I don't know anything." "ok, well, I have to go" haha. gotcha. all I can say is, if she isn't actually having some sort of romantic relationship (obviously, not with my father), I 'd be surprised....and disappointed. but at this point, I'm still basking in the glow of i just fucked with her head hardcore. aw yeah. she gave me the one-day-your-ship-will-come-in schpiel, I had to.
posted by K-Lo
@ 00:05
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Thursday, April 18, 2002
so guess what - we found a cat. we fed him milk and cheese and then he got diarrhea. we got a litterbox for him though and he did it in there like a good kitty. he's sleeping beside me right now. we are going to get in trouble if we get found out, but i dont want him to go ever. i love him. he's skinny and striped and lets you pick him up. we have named him jesus.
posted by vic
@ 01:39
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Wednesday, April 17, 2002
steph, thanks for the email. it was much appreciated.
posted by rayve nation
@ 15:45
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im drunk, so i can do this (is that you, dad ?)
things i know:
i am sitting in kelly's room. kelly's roomate has been drinking tonight and is not here, though i have put her special light on. kelly is off somewhere alone. we had to part. my cup overfloweth with ramen.
i know that this website is going to be found out too, steph. the only thing i can say to that is that i mean everything in the moment, and whoever is trying to spy on me internet style outta know that. so be it. it's all been said.
i am flinging little ramen bits all over kelly's things. she would be mad to know that.
we went to the wall tonight. we also got mini beers, which are called, "ponies", if you didn't know. i think that's really funny. we also got 40's and pretended that they had babies.
i miss kelly already.
i love this one boy; i do. it's rough because he can never let himself be the whole him. he reminds me of frankie. i feel as though i have known him since ever and i will not put him down, though he may have fucked up and he may not be true. it's really strange to know the true in someone that they cant even see for themselves. maya angelou said, "when someone tells you who they are; believe them" and my mom agrees, and so do i. but sometimes people dont know how to even speak their own language yet.
it's some tough work to know people 'from before'. all you ever have is a glance you have no choice but to trust.
i have constructed a world of glances. (but oh, there is that pair of eyes that i miss)
more and more in the last week my love has changed from inticement to familial. my love feels accepted, necessary and brave.
it will soon change. and i have to admit, i like it so much more when it doesnt have to have so much backbone attached. i like to have more trust than fact working.
things i know:
in less than four weeks kelly and i are MOVING to new orleans. we dont even have jobs. this is "abstract" as my dad called it; yet we are doing it most definitely. i havent even mailed in my income taxes yet because i am a gigantic asshole and i cant do anything on time. i am scared shitless about this, are you kidding? who am i there? what in the hell? i can cover it up with getting thin and high but i dont know who i am out on my own with sweaty sun and gravel heat. i havent a clue. everyone says it's going to be fun, it's going to be fine. in four weeks i'll be there. i'll let you know.
in three months i am going to be in hungary. this i dont even know what to say about. maybe when im drunk in two months, i will. there's a million things surrounding this and i will probably lose interest as the time nears, so as not to have to think about it. i havent seen this person that i love in months - i dont even know what i mean by love anymore in this context. so much has changed that he doesnt even know about, and im sure he could say the same. im not the same person that he loved. how can i expect a circumstanical situation to trangress beyond? and i love him so much anyway... sometimes i cant even believe that this is me. that i loved someone as much as i loved peter. i look at stuff i wrote about him and i am awed. i feel to these depths? i am capable of this? i knew behind your eyes? oh, my love. my love will become open again. after it does, i will pretend to be embarassed of georgia o'keefe imagery, but what else have i got? how else shall i picture myself simultaneously open and full?
i have just a few weeks left here. they are hot and drunk. not drunk like you can lose yourself, drunk like you could have just gone to sleep. im going to suck it up and try not to bump too many people accidentally. mostly because there are no accidents and i dont mean to be openly rude. i may try to pack up some things and take them back home in shifts so i can sort out my new life from my old. i am just going to have to wait till when i can stop referring to the present as past.
it's arrogant, but i think i'm done here for a while. i'm drunk now but i felt oiled and new earlier, if not without a sherbert bellyache. kat kept saying that it was a special night. i love you all. i know that this part of our life that connected us has slipt away but i love you all like you were here today. that rhymes and that's the end.
posted by vic
@ 03:18
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Alright this post number 3 within the hour is hearkening back to my old nothing to do late-night craziness phase (it's not over). But yeah, just read those old posts documenting a past boy, and fuck man. Shit was I bliiiiiiiind. Youch. Yeah, fuck man. 20/20 hindsight.
posted by Record Album
@ 02:01
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Holy motherfucking paranoia. Read old posts. Things have to change. Besides me flip turning upside down here! FUCK FUCK FUCK! This fucking website will be my demise in so many areas. People can find this!!!! They will find out that I'm not the hardass, no feeling robot I've been pretending to be this whole time! There are few people who I let that facade down for! SHITFUCKER!!! Well, that's only one facade I keep up, I mean I do think that I'm a compassionate person at the same time. GODDAMN!!!!
In other news, Alicia and I discussed that we both don't understand why I don't smoke pot, because there are so many factors and reasons that would point to me smoking pot, yet I don't. Hmmm.
posted by Record Album
@ 01:34
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Warmth in Montreal is such an inexplicable beautiful feeling. Canadians in the more Northern cities seem to have a very specific appreciation for summer, as it is so cold during the year. Today was the first really hot day and we were all studying on our spacious back porch which I will sorely miss next year. As of now I am still homeless. No place for May, no place for the next school year. This city is a tricky bastard because distances are extremely different in the winter. In the summer, you can walk everywhere, till your flip-flops wound your feet and you've seen hundreds of perfumed handsome people walking the streets. And then you'll see an old long-haired drunkard in the park hoarsely yelling a Metallica song and the kids with self-done tri-coloured haircuts who don't give a shit.
On Sunday the Hassidic Jewish kids in the neighborhood where we buy bagels had swarmed the streets. A yamakahed kid on a scooter "beep beep"ed us to move on the sidewalk and there were four kids with their legs hanging through this elaborate extending window grate. I feel like this wind blowing in my windows and the saxaphone in this Leonard Cohen song are just underlining the presence of thousands upon thousands of passionate balls of glowing energy jumping around the city and filling this head of mine with positivity and love and wonder at the world. Pure wonder. Do you know to be a psychic you have to dispose of every piece of hate within you?
In other wonders of the world, my summer plans read in this way: May I am here. June and July I am living with (or possibly without) my sister in her apartment in the Ukrainian Village and working at some soon-to-be-determined leftist workplace. August I go travelling in Europe. Everyone else who hasn't said their plans?
Mike, are you working at Blockbuster this summer?
posted by Record Album
@ 01:15
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Tuesday, April 16, 2002
everyone is exercising! i really like it because it's a sign that warm weather is here to stay. i went rollerskating today for the first time since last summer and i remembered how much i love it. when i got done i had all kinds of visual hallucinations, which may be a buildup of mushrooms in my system or my heart beating too fast, but either way, it was fun. a dance class is being held outside my window. sasha is doing the bike portion of a triathalon the day after 4/20. hahaha. now to shower and start the incredible amount of work i have to do. im a little scared. ive really let it got to far this time. yikes!
posted by vic
@ 13:27
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I've finally found the outlet for all my excess sexual energy, which was being misspent on cancer investments: running till my legs burn and my armpits drip and my lungs want to be replaced with iron. Alicia and I ran for 4 kilometers today and it was fucking great. My favourite part is running past the halted cars on the busy streets with sweat pouring (it was warm today) and a red face until the cars drive on home and I turn on to a side street and walk because my body might collapse. Then we came home and pumped weights on the balcony like meatheads and watched my fake alley-boyfriend let his ferret run around peoples yards. Contrary to what you might be imagining, he is probably around 25, not 10. The boyfriend, not the ferret. Then I put on some short pants and packed as much Thai food into my body as I possibly could.
I have to go wash this rank smell off my body and wake up bright and early so I can learn how to be the best little fake Pole I can be!
I really hate that everyone has access to this fucking site by the way, just because I know that in the future I will definitely be sabotaged. Damn you search engines!
This past weekend, a certain boy told me he was scared of me, and when I casually laughed because I was drunk and disbelieving he repeated it and said "I really am" and walked away. I would love to know if that was lip service or genuine, because if that was honest, I'm pleased.
posted by Record Album
@ 01:47
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Monday, April 15, 2002
this sadist (no, seriously) down the hall is playing "im horny". she is dancing and being loud and off-key with the good-wife sarah from the other side, who cant decide if she wants to burn kelly at the stake or take a whipping from her. im tired of all these people. im tired of them running around and being obnoxious. im tired of everyone's emotional/mental disorders flaring up at the same time everyone is out of cigarettes. i dont want to see another suspicious eye in the bathroom. i dont want to hear another hollering outside my window at 3 am. i am quickly done with you beloit college, good riddance to bad pot.
i dont know why im being this dramatic (hormones and maybe the clap).
posted by vic
@ 22:42
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mike! i just had a dream about you before i read that blogg. i was walking in a rainy parking lot and we were talking about summer plans. you told me you were staying in cleveland and then we went into this gross food store because i had to buy jello and chips. you were being kinda sad and distant in the dream. then i went back to beloit and watched a toucan rip apart a giant panda and pull a baby panda out from the inside and eat it. then a black bear ran down a mountain and started banging on the kitchen door and everybody had to run up the stairs so it wouldnt get in. so i'll call you, okay?
posted by vic
@ 08:43
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Sunday, April 14, 2002
hey kids. just letting you know i haven't fallen off the face of the earth. my computer can't blog anymore for some reason so therefore i have been too lazy to blogg.
posted by rayve nation
@ 22:55
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