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Saturday, December 08, 2001
fuck man, somehow the feeling of obsession has crept up on me
posted by Record Album
@ 23:20
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Black and white photo booth: encounter #2. Pasha and I took some pictures for the porn tree we're gonna have. We already have a "non-denominational holiday tree," so we figured that we'd take some black and white shots (they ain't nudes) and hang them up on a porn bush next to the holiday tree. When I look back at this in twenty years, will I be remembering those "crazy" times, or will the frankness embarass me? I will be proud, because regrets are for Egrets.
"Ou sont tes heroes?"
posted by Record Album
@ 23:17
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Last night I started to get pissed off b/c he hadn't called back and it was 1 am, then 2 am, then 3 am. But lo and behold, at 3:30 in the morning, he was ringing my doorbell, after trying to have found my place for an hour, stumbling in and wrapping 'round. By the way, I am convinced that Father Rowe and his evil Jesuit droids [this theory hearkens back to freshman year] are trying to tamper with their Ignatius graduates/minions by creating an extensive Jesuit network for evil! What do I mean by this? Well, max and all those kids on that ukrainian hockey team, know each other from attending Loyola high school up here. Same "men and women for others" concept. Michelle, who went to ignatius too, is dating a boy from this same Loyola cess pool. I have a feeling that M. Sapp is there ambassador to montreal. And speaking of those wisecrackin' Christians...
The next three days will involve my cramming for Women in the Christian Tradition. Even though it makes me crazy, all the knowledge I'll be packing in will be wonderful. The virgin/whore dichotomy, the reformation and the counter-reformation, and post-Christian feminists against the papacy? What more could you really ask for?? A lot, but within the realm of Christian theology, this is perfect. Well, I'm off to arrange something to do with my Ukrainian scouts today. Stupid time-wasting punks. They're actually good kids, I just can't be doing this today and I have to. I send love to you all and to all a good night (afternoon rather).
posted by Record Album
@ 11:00
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Friday, December 07, 2001
I have so much work to do that it's making my head collapse and my charcoal lungs scamper away for another cigarette. Number one on my shit list today is: the patriarchy. Pat's usually up there, but gets pushed back on account of various other topics. Oh but today, he's really gnawing at raw muscle. The thought of max these days makes me get all kinds of hot and bothered, but my lungs still feel like running out.
Don't look now
I'm fading away
Into the gray of my mornings
and the blues of every night
-nikki giovanni
I came back from school and listened to Mos Def. He cleanses my soul.
posted by Record Album
@ 20:03
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i am still up from the night before. it seems stupid to go to bed now, when i have a class in an hour that i might as well stumble through. i would insert this really lovely quote right here from tender is the night by fitzgerald about what the morning looks like the day after a long night, but i dont know it by heart.
the closer it gets to the time that peter is going to be leaving, the more intense and lengthy our conversations become. we're storing each other's words for when we're without them. it's going to hurt so bad - i'm going to mourn the loss of his company. when we are together, we cant keep our brains off each other. ive never felt this appreciated by another person, nor do i think that i have ever appreciated somebody else so much. it is beyond friendship in a way that i can only describe as love, if one could take away all the loaded characteristics of that word, which is i guess, in effect, removing the sex from it.
fuck it's so bright outside now. i dont want all of my brilliant, velvet, night-time thoughts being scorched with this daylight.
something about meeting peter has changed my self-respect in a way that i didnt even know was possible. he has made me a better person, not in that he spurs me to do better by setting an example, but in that he recognizes on a level that no man has ever dared to go before, what is true and real about me. and that may be the most meaningful experience that anyone can have with another person .
posted by vic
@ 08:26
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Thursday, December 06, 2001
I'm at the library working on a few papers. I have to write 27 pages of crap for various classes within the next 7 days. I just want this semester to end so i can go home and hang out with all of you lovely people. I am so tired and i have stayed up really late for like five days in a row.
rrrr i just found out that the computer lab is closing in 45 minutes. fuckers.
posted by rayve nation
@ 20:17
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Ah fahker, blogger erased my long post...I slept over at max's house last night--it was really nice. We got there and he put on some Sade, dimmed the lights, had some red wine. Sounds like it's out of a cheezy movie, but it was so good. His brother, whom he lives with, designs furniture, so they had a very modern, structurally-interesting apartment. At one point, his brother and this very intriguing character--a 23 year old married French woman who sleeps over sometimes--came home and we chatted. We went to bed at 4:30 and got up at 8:30 and grabbed breakfast at the cafe downstairs from his place. Walking home made me love Montreal so much. It was warm and very windy today and I passed rows of cafes and hardware stores and furniture places with "Joyeux Noelle" signs in the window. Passed by some Hassidic Jewish men and thought "I just came back from a sleepover, and you would probably disapprove of it" Walked into my very own little neighborhood, picked up the newspaper from the front doorstep, and went inside to watch some short movies and smoke cigarettes with Walter.
posted by Record Album
@ 17:31
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Wednesday, December 05, 2001
talked to jason allen, which was good. I was all kinds of shut down when he asked me not to use the word "Black" to describe him and that he restricted his word use in speaking to me because of my feminist beliefs, "do you prefer african-american?" "I prefer human being"...ouch.
Fake boyfriend two, the italian, just got back from jamaica last night and called me. Then called me today. I thought I was an eager beaver. Just let it be. He's fun, but do I really want the rhinestone relationship collar and leash right now? Is it really gonna help me in the feminist revolution? No. It will hamper me most likely. Fuck. Too much brain space taken up by others. Why is this happening during fucking exams?! Ella might not go to Israel any more on account of the potential war. Hope there's no war. Hope that she stays though. Montreal is brilliant when it's cloudy. Barely have had snow this year. Fake blonde hair makes fake blonde girls?
posted by Record Album
@ 02:00
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Tuesday, December 04, 2001
vicki, when i said i wanted you to post, what i actually wanted was a really long personal piece of prose that i would have to read over and over again because the sentences are really drawn out and i can't concentrate and look at internet screen for more than 7 seconds at a time. you know, sentences like that. jeez man, throw me frickin bone here; i have work to avoid. what i didn't want was the unvieling of the word numlarious. pronouced with a noom and all the rappers in the top ten please allow me to bump thee. and my room is too fucking hot. i'm not out of order! you're out of order! this whole courtroom is out of order! anyway, i'm not krazy anymore. i'm back to eating healthy food, exercising, not smoking, and being celebate. being kelebate. heh heh. kelebate. that's gold. "I once thought i had mono for a year. Turns out i was just really bored."-mike meyers in waynes world.
posted by Kelljoy
@ 20:37
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mono. Don't you have to be really lucky to get it twice?
posted by egeus
@ 20:27
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she's only wearing a bra and a towel cuz her room is too "hot"
posted by vic
@ 19:52
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kelly's gone krazy.
she wanted me to post really bad so this is it.
im so sick. all i can eat is mint chocolate chip ice cream (heh heh..what a wonderful illness).
kelly just went into hysterics over the made-up word "numlerious"
i dont even know what she's talking about.
posted by vic
@ 19:51
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Monday, December 03, 2001
holy shit. the crazy thing is, I could have written tons more.
posted by K-Lo
@ 18:51
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I never went to bed last night because I was working on a fucking assignment I care nothing about. I had to design my own little accordian style book with images and ideas that would compel anyone/everyone. Well, I was not even interested. it turned out pretty decent looking, but meaning nothing as I have yet to learn about expressing my "feelings" through my art. fuck feelings. I too am in a bad place right now. maybe it's a good place, I can't decide. I have always known that I don't care about grades and they are rather unimportant in the big picture regardless of how important they can be along the way towards the big picture (ie getting good grades--> graduating--> saying I've graduated, now leave me alone to do what I want, something that doesn't care what I got in art history). It's not official yet but it's gonna be an F by the way. I can't make myself care. I cannot, will not, learn something because someone tells me too. I will buy my art books and enjoy them for myself and one day I will have my goddamn final studyguide and go down the checklist and say I've seen every painting, mural, statue in person, in it's native country, museum, or whatever, by my own means and because I love it, not to fulfill a required amount of knowledge to recieve a stamp of approval by a teacher. I must say though, I love teachers and what they do. it makes me happy to be in a class and see my teacher get enthusiastic and excited because they love what they're teaching. jesus is just all right with me. I think I can definitely find my passion in art and become completely enthusiastic about it in everyway. I don't know if I can do it in eight more terms like this. I think the term in Florence would do wonders wonders wonders for me, besides being incredibly fun. The grades come into play with that again, I need a min. gpa of 2.5 for that. hopefully I can swing/keep that until whenever I apply. Painting seems to be the only thing I can get into and become slightly expressive. I think I will pursue it more on my own if I ever find time. Time. is not on my side. no it's not.
so, I hung in there all night, working on that damn project which I handed in a half hour earlier than the deadline moments ago, still no sleep. popped the last half of an aderol with the intention of cramming for art history in the remaining hour and a half available. My test started 6 minutes ago. I figured out I'm screwed anyway, so actually taking the final isn't really necessary. not in my head. I see you cringing. it'll be ok. always is. it's just school. it's not life. gotta keep telling myself that. who cares? I don't care.
speed is great. I timed it so I'd peak while taking the test. too bad it couldn't give me the information I needed, only organize my head.
rev. john said time off would be a good idea. i think he was on to something. if at this point, enrolled in school, I think that I can't take time off because I will never want to come back, will it change if I leave anyway? I am actually going to go to a few tattoo places over break and seriously inquire about everything. I don't like the word carreer. can I just say my art?
flash forward 2 hours:
it's scary how well I can row on um, study aids. I realized just how much of rowing is completely mental. I've pretty much worked myself into shape, but still fall near the end of the list as far as time trials etc. I kicked ass on today's workout to be honest, and on no sleep. I'm so glad these little gems are not so easily accessible.
although the time commitment to the team is surely what is making it so difficult for me to pay attention to school (really. no really, I'm serious.) I can't think of anything that makes me feel better mentally and physically. I feel as if I can do absolutely anything after a good row. I love that. I hate having to choose. If frued were here he'd say that I'm deliberately sabotaging my grades so I don't have to make the choice, the school will make it for me. hmmm, we usually agree.
ohmygod. home in t minus 5 days. I can't wait. I'm ready. I'm gonna make good money, get drunk with my friends, and run for office. secretary of .....ha ha.. y'all know me. I'm really glad the internet is on computers now. it's been long overdue.
one love.
posted by K-Lo
@ 18:44
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man, depression is only good if you can smoke cigarettes. and i cant do that because something has happened to my throat so that i cannot breathe on account of all the mucus lining it. JOHN - what was that disease you had that one time when your uvula became extremely engorged? cuz i have it. i really hope it isnt a disease of the ST variety.
im so fucking sad. im sick. im tired. i think i have a fever. peter is leaving in two weeks.
what has happened here is that i didnt have to learn the same lesson over again. i didnt have to learn that "oh, im better off alone" bullshit for the umpteenth time. i just learned that life is fucking sad.
i didnt even go for a dumb asshole. i didnt even GO for anything. i remember thinking "peter has three months left" and now i can see that the time when i am like "peter's been gone for three months" will be here just as soon. what happened?
i really need to stop listening to this yo la tengo cd because i am being overwhelmed with all this senseless sadness and nostalgia and i am going to break because of all of this.
posted by vic
@ 12:29
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i am moving in
air amazon woman bare
foot thunderbound bells
-Sonia Sanchez
Everyone should really look into the Athenian Candle Company on Halsted and Jackson, because they sell some very powerful things. A few weeks ago I lit the "Adam and Eve love candle" and the wick turned into two flames that kept intertwining which I thought strange. Now is it just a coincidence that I have two fake boyfriends? No...no my friends, it is not.
posted by Record Album
@ 01:17
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