|
Monday, July 23, 2001
alright, im fine. i stayed up way too late after that last post drinking bud with frankie and talking shit. im so relieved to be done with that feeling. and i realized a whole lot after the shock wore off. if you ever need to "process" something, it's best to talk to frankie because even though he refuses to go to therapy he has so many years of mary behind him he can work you through just about anything.
possibly the best thing he could have ever said was "you and kit didnt have any chemistry at all! none!"
and he is so right. good conversation - yes. good times - sure. chemistry - not a chance. never in history has a toucher been able to be with a non-toucher. it just doesnt work. and im a toucher. rrrowl.
posted by vic
@ 15:45
- - - - - - -
well. well well well.
saw this coming. impact different than i expected. much less dramatic. just like we started. just went back to being friends. it was just over. and i went inside like of course, i will be able to change my thinking this fast. of course this isnt a big deal. he made it seem like it was no big deal. so it isnt.
nobody is around. where the fuck is everyone? where is my mom? where is kelly? where is john campbell - wasnt he supposed to come home today?
i didnt know what to do and my hands were shaking. i thought i would just go to bed but i couldnt (cant) because i know that they're dosing the decaf at blue angel with crack or caffiene or something so im super wired. i went over to the farrelly's because i could see katie sitting up and i thought she would bum me a smoke. she did and gave me some of the worst advice another person has ever given me. her heart was in it. she meant well. it was just not-applicable. i dont need to be told that i am strong and that this is not my fault - that i was a "good girlfriend". i dont know what i need to be told. nobody would understand this relationship if i mapped it out. shit, even i dont know what the hell just happened.
and it was a relief. it was a huge relief. i knew it was coming and i knew something needed to change. it just stings. i get so thrown off by having to change the way i think. i get stuck in obsessive ruts where i allow my thinking to become absorbed with a certain situation and it's easy because i don't have to think about other stuff then. then somebody's gotta bust up all my neat little brain paths with a fucking bulldozer.
i cant go to sleep. i hate my job. i want to go in there and just throw up all over everything. i need to talk to somebody who knows me really, really bad. fuck. it's really hard to go back to being yourself sometimes.
well guys - im single. let's mingle.
posted by vic
@ 00:26
- - - - - - -
|
