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Friday, January 05, 2001
i will be alone forever. part 1,987,600: the lee swanson story
so lemme tell the story all about how my heart inadvertently got smashed, destroyed and left for dead underfoot the stomping boot of, ooooooh, love.
why will reality never live up to even 1/10 of my fantasy? why do i do this?
nobody is perfect. even the boy you are sure is perfect. the one who has all the makings of a beautiful thing: smart, funny, loves his parents, drug-free, brilliant crazy creative genius. dont be fooled. he is harboring some ridiculous infatuation for a girl he hasnt seen in a year and a half - a first love from high school. he is harboring it in his heart and he will reveal it to you over coffee, just after you were sure he was looking at you differently. and he will talk to you about unrequited love and about what it's like to have this thing for someone forever and for them not to know it. and you will sit there, in utter shock and horror, wondering why some giant light up sign that says, "irony", hasnt floated above your table with a blinking arrow pointing down at the entire sick, sad scene.
maybe it's not even irony. maybe it's just me.
and of course, then i stupidly press the issue in a meek way and wind up with a stilted conversation in front of my house not knowing what to do with my heart pounding and that dark cloud of "alone forever" floating over my head. sometimes i feel like i just must have a stench that only men and dogs can pick up...it's not desperation so much, it's just something that says, "run away!!!! run away!!!" i dont know if anyone will ever realize how convinced i am that i will indeed be alone forever. i have really come to grips with it most of the time but then something like this happens and i live in this bubble of hope for a couple months before crashing back down to earth. hard.
i wanna throw up. disappointment is such a drag.
i guess in a way it's kinda fun cuz i was waiting for a chance to listen to my unrequited love songs lately and now ive got my reason.
i guess it all boils down to one thing really: the motherfucking boy scouts of america. when will i ever learn!?
ouch...to be scorned by that same, blasted institution twice. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice...shame on me.
"maybe we could even get together.
maybe you could break my heart next summer.
why bother? it's gonna hurt me.
it's gonna kill when you desert me.
this happened to me twice before.
wont happen to me anymore."
- weezer. the only men who will ever truly feel my pain.
posted by vic
@ 18:16
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written last night at 3 am on a massive coffee buzz and three hours before i had to go to work. i still havent slept.
i will be alone forever. part 1,987,600: the long island lolita story
so lemme tell the story all about how my heart inadvertently got smashed, destroyed and left for dead underfoot the stomping boot of, ooooooh, love.
why will reality never live up to even 1/10 of my fantasy? why do i do this?
nobody is perfect. even the boy you are sure is perfect. the one who has all the makings of a beautiful thing: smart, funny, loves his parents, drug-free, brilliant crazy creative genius. dont be fooled. he is harboring some ridiculous infatuation for a girl he hasnt seen in a year and a half - a first love from high school. he is harboring it in his heart and he will reveal it to you over coffee, just after you were sure he was looking at you differently. and he will talk to you about unrequited love and about what it's like to have this thing for someone forever and for them not to know it. and you will sit there, in utter shock and horror, wondering why some giant light up sign that says, "irony", hasnt floated above your table with a blinking arrow pointing down at the entire sick, sad scene.
maybe it's not even irony. maybe it's just me.
and of course, then i stupidly press the issue in a meek way and wind up with a stilted conversation in front of my house not knowing what to do with my heart pounding and that dark cloud of "alone forever" floating over my head. sometimes i feel like i just must have a stench that only men and dogs can pick up...it's not desperation so much, it's just something that says, "run away!!!! run away!!!" i dont know if anyone will ever realize how convinced i am that i will indeed be alone forever. i have really come to grips with it most of the time but then something like this happens and i live in this bubble of hope for a couple months before crashing back down to earth. hard.
i wanna throw up. disappointment is such a drag.
i guess in a way it's kinda fun cuz i was waiting for a chance to listen to my unrequited love songs lately and now ive got my reason.
i guess it all boils down to one thing really: the motherfucking boy scouts of america. when will i ever learn!?
ouch...to be scorned by that same, blasted institution twice. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice...shame on me.
"maybe we could even get together.
maybe you could break my heart next summer.
why bother? it's gonna hurt me.
it's gonna kill when you desert me.
this happened to me twice before.
wont happen to me anymore."
- weezer. the only men who will ever truly feel my pain.
posted by vic
@ 18:14
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Wednesday, January 03, 2001
well, today my mom came in my room around noon and said "are you okay? ..I'm worried about you. You have been sleeping a lot....y'know tato [dad] thinks maybe you're using downers" ha ha ha!!! They think that I am on fucking downers!!! This I just couldn't take and I came out of my room and said in a cracked out way "gotta go get my downers" to my dad and he's like "well y'know, you're sleeping a lot and then you wake up all chipper....maybe we should do a urine analysis" rrrright. These people can be the biggest unbelievable dopes sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mos def was on conan o'brian yesterday and he said "one love" after his set was done. This endeared me to him and to the phrase even more.
posted by Record Album
@ 14:15
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Sunday, December 31, 2000
it is a wonderful thing to be with someone whose sheer presence makes your forget your own mortality. as if just being with them is eternity enough.
i dont know what falling in love feels like. im hesitant to use the phrase because i have thrown it around so much before but there must be a word to describe when something is different. when this time, maybe it's real.
there must be a word to describe how just knowing someone exists, just knowing they're out there thinking and breathing and being, seems like the most beautiful concept ever. how do you express that to someone? "your existance makes me happy. you make me smile even when you're not around. i feel more alive, more whole, more me when i'm with you. i am balanced in your presence."
i see that this is dangerous. i see that even thinking these things is dangerous because behind every heart-filled sentiment lies this towering possibility of rejection just waiting to collapse on me. i have been terrified of allowing another person this kind of power (why, oh why, must i think of relationships/men in terms of power?) over me. it just up and bit me in the ass this time with no warning at all. i feel as though i can understand every couple ive ever mocked before. because loving someone feels good. but man, to be loved back, that's got to be heaven.
in a strange way, however unhealthy and fucked-up it may be, to have my thoughts consumed by another human being is the best thing that could have happened to me right now. i've been so self-obsessed and insane and trapped in my own head and i still have this depth of possibility inside me to love and nurture and understand another person.
i am a never-ending keg of love. someone just needs to tap this ass.
posted by vic
@ 02:03
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no one's blooooginnnng...
posted by egeus
@ 01:33
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