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Saturday, September 23, 2000
there is some sort of insanity going on with david hornbuckle and mike. i dont know what but i am enjoying it. and i know that i put a link for his page every time i write his name but i feel as though it can be done no other way as he is not seperate from his page (well, to me at least). everyone else is probably very confused with this because they dont know that he's marisa's internet boyfriend. well, wait, neither does he. ha!
im a big dick and i am fucking myself. i have so much work to do that i havent even started. it's getting to the point where i may not be able to get it all done. and am i going to start now? no...i am going to nap and then drink wine at the festival in little italy. because i can always do work but i cant always drink wine. (how's THAT for logic?)
posted by vic
@ 16:51
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Fucking A. My roomate is blasting kid rock. Can sombody please tell where I can find a portal out of this dimension?
posted by rayve nation
@ 14:29
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!
posted by rayve nation
@ 14:02
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Will you marry me?
posted by rayve nation
@ 12:18
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Today I went to this thing called the spitfire tour, and I thought it was some traveling comedy show because Andy Dick was going to be there, but when I got there I found it was a pro-activist type panel/lecture. I really liked it. There were 5 speakers, one of which spoke through the phone (Andy Dick of course, did you think he'd really show up?). All of these people were famoush/semi-famoush, btw. The other four were Michael Franti, Tracey Conaty, John Trudell, and the Dead Kennedy's own Jello Biafra. What a cool bunch of characters. Each talk moved and inspired me in a different way, but in general, they all made me realize that a lot of things in America are not as they should be, and I was a fool for ever thinking that things were ok. Now, I feel like going to fucking Washington and marching on the streets!
Michael Franti opened the discussion with his talk on racism and on how large groups of people can be powerful, and how your rights seem to disappear when you start to exercise them fully.
Then Andy Dick called and he talked to us from a phone. The main topic of conversation was marijuana, and how there is a big difference between one who smokes pot and one who is has an addictive personality who is addicted to smoking and/or drinking. My favorite part of his speech was when he was like "I mean, come on: I love smoking pot! Who doesn't?” And it was so crazy hearing a celebrity say this. If any of you have heard a celebrity do this, you know what I mean.
Then Tracey Conaty talked about the state of gay rights specifically gay marriage today, and she mostly gave statistics. She was talking about gay hate crimes (Matthew Sheppard) and how the rate of teen suicide was higher among gay teenagers, and she told us about how when spitfire was in another town, a girl was talking to her, and she told her about how her best friend killed herself because she was gay, and even though I hear about those kinds of things, it made me start to cry when I heard it because it seemed much more real, and before I had been numb to it Then she talked about the anti-gay marriage trend that is happening among states which basically says that if a state legalizes gay marriage, then the state will no longer recognize that state as a state anymore! how fucked up is that? why would you go out of your way so much to hate someone like that? The scary part is that this sort of law has already been passed in California, and it is catching on to a few other states as well.
Then it was John Trudell's turn to speak, and he blew me mind on how dead on he was. He was said the same exact Taoist stuff that we have been saying all along, about how it all depends on your perception of reality, and how we need to start thinking of other people as people above anything else, because we all came from the same tribe, and we are all one. He also said other things that I have thought all along, but I can't type them right now because I don't think I would do a very good job.
Then Jello Biafra began, and I guess he was the star of the show, because all of these hardcore punks came here to see him. There was even a skinhead or two, and I thought to myself "a skin in Cleveland, OH? what a hard-hitter!" He basically talked about the evils of corporations, particularly in the music industry. It was beautiful. Then talked about how he wasn't voting Republican or Democratic this election, but he was voting green. I slowly realized that this panel was a bunch of greenies, but that was ok, because at the end of the whole thing, I signed up on the Green Party's mailing list. awww, yeah. I hope this feeling never goes away. goodnight.
posted by rayve nation
@ 03:18
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kelly, you are one of my favorite people (my favorite of all. shh..dont tell anyone!) only you could get into that situation and live to tell about it in such a beautiful, hilarious manner. you've got a gift my friend.you're funny. really fucking funny.
becky and i smoked a cigarette outside and then laura came home with groceries and becky had to go help her in. so i was left holding two cigarettes like the double-fisting hardhitter i am and some guy walked by and said, "hey gorgeous youd think i could get a cigarette?" and i said, "yeah buddy, i already got one lit for you!" and gave him this half-smoked cig and we laughed.
i loved new york today. we handed out bag lunches on the east side and in thompson square park. it was so interesting to go over there. i havent been in the east village yet. there is so much i have left to see. i want to see it all. i want to go everywhere and know this city like i do chicago. i am ready to invest myself now. i live here. and i love my home.
becky, laura and i have halloween ideas but i am not yet ready to reveal them because a)they might fall through and we'll think of something better (but i doubt it!) and b)it's good and it's too far to be giving it away already. we also have plans to get dressed up crazy 80's clubkid and go clubbing to a real place. none of this bootydancing shit. i want insane outfits and make-up. oh, nyc is like halloween everyday. you can get away with anything, pajamas or the most outrageous shit ever. no one bats a lash. at first i hated this and i was so disappointed. now i realize this is the greatest thing ever! it's like getting a free-pass to wear every bizarre kid dress-up outfit you ever wanted to but didnt have the balls to attempt in public. it's regression! on a socially accepted (and encouraged) way!
oh, new york, i think we're going to work out alright afterall!
now it is time for bed as i am tired and have to be up early to go to the farmer's market. yippee!
stephanie - you didnt leave any drunken message on my phone! what are you talking about?
karen - everything is gonna be fine. wait till classes start. we'll talk soon.
i love you all! goodnight!
posted by vic
@ 01:22
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Friday, September 22, 2000
Oops i did it again
Okay guys, i've been away for a while, but now, I return triumphant. And by triumphant i mean grounded. First off, let me say hey everybody, i miss you guys. a lot. I hope you're all doing well and i was wondering if i could borrow Vicki's turquois necklace(I'm gonna be a 14 year old hippy for Halloween). Just curious, who the hell is taking the Robin Williams quiz? there are 44 votes. Is someone voting twice? Preparing and applying for colleges sure is a pain, i can't wait to get back to super Nintendo, or as some call it: nothing. i realize these thoughts are pretty random, i'm trying to finish this quickly because the man says i need to get off line.
The Crime: Imagine clothes off, naked body against naked body, hot breath on your neck , heart pounding, and....YOUR MOTHER COMING HOME. Your heart stops as you shove your lover out the supposidly locked door in your room that leads to your back yard. Your mother bursts in just as you pull on your skirt, but fail to put on your top. she adds everything up. well, almost everything. she thinks you're a dirty dirty whore because you were making off with your shirt off. "I see your skirt is on. At least you left something to the imagination!" One up for me i guess. Anyway, I was caught with three violations. 1) unlokcing the forrbidden door and using it after she found out about it and told me not to 2) having boy over while she is not home 3) being sexual in a bedroom. plus that whole trust thing has been shot to hell. My sentence: 2 weeks grounded. No calling Kurt for next 5 days. I must finsh my applicaitons and get 5 hours of driving done to be officially off grounding. who knew she would get home 40 minutes early.
But what happened to that male character?
Let's take the scene from where i pushed him out my door. Holding his shoes in one hand and his pants up with the other, he runs to the gate, throws his shoes over, and basically does a tuck roll over the fence, scraping the hell out f himself. Still on the adreniline rush, he runs down my gravel alley barefoot, turns the corner and runs to the neighboring street, to the safety of his car. A man climbing into a nearby car turns to stare, and gets a crazy grin in return as kurt puts on his belt. he then throws his shoes in the car and drives away.
Why risk so much kelly?
Well, i had just read an article about how orgasms are incredibly healthy for people, esspecailly the post orgasm. i wated to be healthy for once. So much for the afterglow. plus it turns out i never went throught the two seperations tages for children and their mothers. I had no terrible 2's or crappy early teen parental problems. i thnk i may be lashing out. Ah well, whadda ya gonna do? be passive aggressive, that's what. questions, comments, you all know how to reach me. By the way K, thanks for the pictures and stuff. they're really great. and incriminating. Check ya later
posted by Kelljoy
@ 21:47
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experimenting with...slipped my mind
so...how many days was that again?
hehehehe. it's friday. i aint got no job...i aint got shit to do!
posted by vic
@ 20:36
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experimenting with sob..blah blah blah: day now
okay, i tired of that heading. i'm still clean as a whistle (so, david hornbuckle can blow me) but that will probably all change tomorrow when i go up to columbia to acquire goods for mike and jason's visit. everything's been so good lately. i finally feel comfortable with every step i take here. i feel back to normal and when i say back, i mean waaaay back. back before this summer, back before this year, back before shit went nuts. i really feel as though i am returning to who i am at the core of my being and that is an incredible process of which to be aware. or, whatever, maybe im just nuts!
last night i got a fish. his name is fred and he is one ugly mutherfucker. he's the kind of hideous beastgoldfish who has those bugeyes. im already extremely paranoid about killing him. at first i thought, "oh, this will be a low maintenance pet that surely will not die from my neglect" but now i cant stop NOT neglecting him. i got him yesterday and i have already changed the water in his bowl! i also fear i am overfeeding him. i am using my old babysitting method on him: he looks bored so i keep giving him food. the guy in the pet store told me that if the water in the bowl runs out of oxygen, fred will die. he keeps putting his mouth to the surface and it looks like he's trying to breathe people air which i know he cant do but it worries me greatly. and he just ate his own feces...that cant be good.
last night was so much fun. all we (me, beck, and laura) did was go get mexican food from this shithole but it was such good, clean fun. i realized that i am way more into smiling at boys then i am into talking to them. i would much rather there be that wonderful squishy moment where both parties are like, "holy shit! that girl(or boy) is smiling at me! they think im hot! that stranger would do me! im going to walk taller all night long!" the moment that there is actual talking is when i stop being interested. see i know that the fantasy is better than the reality. ive tried millions of times to prove that shit wrong, but it cant be done. a look in someone's eye is way sexier than some stupid line out of their mouth. what can i say...im a big fan of the walkaway.
* there are cases in which a stranger talking can be sexy. this is only if they are extremely intelligent and/or funny and can use the phrase "means to an end" in the correct manner. i really love that phrase. rrrowl.
tonight im going to this "mighty meals" thing for the anti-hunger league. every friday we make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches lunchbox type things and hand-distribute them to the homeless in the neighborhood. it's a really great idea. im very excited about this organization. ive never seen a homeless problem like the one here. i cant imagine it being such a constant presence and not trying to do something about it.
my lab partner is from new orleans. she seems super cool and i am slowly going to make her mine. muwahahah. i told her about the india house and she couldnt believe that sucha fabulous place existed in her town and she didnt know about it. i cant believe such a wonderful place existed in this country and we didnt know about it until now!
i had a ton of shit to do today that i didnt because im happy. hell yeah.
posted by vic
@ 16:44
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One of my roommates, crazy Carla, is trying to fatten me up. I think she is planning on sticking me in an oven at the end of the year. Carla never shares her food with anyone....until now! she brought home cheesecake, chocolate, and ice cream, and kept offering it to me repeatedly, and then she said "someone's gonna be bigger than me by the end of the year". all these things might sound like jokes, but they're not. and who am I to say no to good food when it's sitting before me?
K- you will get your package in a week I think. Hey, is it legal to sell "marijuana paraphanelia" in the States?
posted by Record Album
@ 15:27
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One of my roommates, crazy Carla, is trying to fatten me up. I think she is planning on sticking me in an oven at the end of the year. Carla never shares her food with anyone....until now! she brought home cheesecake, chocolate, and ice cream, and kept offering it to me repeatedly, and then she said "someone's gonna be bigger than me by the end of the year". all these things might sound like jokes, but they're not. and who am I to say no to good food when it's sitting before me?
K- you will get your package in a week I think. Hey, is it legal to sell "marijuana paraphanelia" in the States?
posted by Record Album
@ 15:27
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my body is a sleep-whore. Riddle me this: I got 12 hours of sleep people, and yet my body still insists I sleep through calculus. slap me in the face and call me a narc.
posted by rayve nation
@ 10:35
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yeah, he's a real laugh. hah. hey, why dont you just put up a new layout and quit your bellyaching, dave?
damn internet men of mystery.
posted by vic
@ 09:11
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Guess who just got 12 hours of sleep? ahhhhh. dee-licious.
posted by rayve nation
@ 06:06
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oh, and a shout-out to internet boyfriend david hornbuckle for the world's funniest guestbook entry. oh my.
posted by marisa jo
@ 03:02
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good times. i'll start with women's studies class yesterday afternoon. yesterday's topic was lesbianism, which generated some very interesting discussion. the best part was that i learned the term pomosexual. wow. after class i went to the alliance house with my pal sean from class for, what he likes to call, a "board meeting". hung out there for a while, had some good conversation. came back to my room to find janine looking very upset. apparently, while i was @ my "meeting" sam (yes, the same character who broke bongascope) is jonesing for pot so badly that he brings some random sketchy fifteen year old townie into our room without really asking. janine was sick, luckily diana was here, too. i guess this kid was talking about how he's not allowed on campus and has been kicked off many times, he badly beat/killed his stepfather(???), how he fucked all these girls on campus over the summer, and he gave three different names, was an overall creep, etc. sam gets shadier everytime i see him, but this one really did it. what a cock knock. now some creep knows where we live, feels like we have to lock the door. i guess janine and diana were trying to kick 'em out but they took forever to leave. sam gave some insincere apology. needless to say, hedidn't win any points with this one.
after dinner, diana and i took a fun cruise around town on the way to the liquor store. i sat with my six pack of hornsbys, spencer, and gavin dread pirate fantastico on some bleachers in the rain admiring the sky and learning about the cult they are trying to escape. spent most of the evening in their room eating carrots, drinking my cider, smoking too many delicious cigarettes, listening to pleasant music (modest mouse, elliott smith, tortoise, faith no more!), and rubbing spencer's head which rested on my lap. when max and ian max II showed up, diana and i decided that was getting old and moved it on over to my room. magical historical event occurred last night: i passed out fell asleep before janine. i wouldn't even wake up for uncle palermo - just threw the rock symbol up in the air when his arrival was announced. when jesse came back from mah-dee-sun with my bag, they waved it under my nose for a long time and worried about me when i didn't even stir at such a sweet smell. haha, damn kids. mark camped out on our floor because he was sketched out by sam.
got more sleep last night than i have since i've been here, i think. felt so good. started my morning off by enjoying a ten-thirty session with mark and seth. mark went to class, but seth and i got to go downstairs and watch the christopher lowell show!!!! oh, what a fabulous morning. janine and i had naptime until dinner after i got back from class.
had my first training session for the rape advocacy program from six until nine. forty hours of training and i'll be state certified. it's already very emotionally taxing, and i know it just gets worse from here, but it'll be worth it. it'll be good for me, too. yeah.
hung out with mark and janine for the rest of the evening. our neighbors were having a wacky drunk panty night. this girl kris told me she's "very sexually attracted" to me. hmmph. i went in there to bum a cigarette and kris and zee tried to pull me onto the bed. so much potential for weirdness. not in the mood. took my cigarette and left. broke out a sketchies tape and introduced them to the kids, who seem to enjoy. mwuahah. should probably get some sleep. have a long weekend of holding my index finger in the air ahead of me. better rest up, eh?
posted by marisa jo
@ 02:57
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Thursday, September 21, 2000
sometimes when i think, "shit, im gonna have to be the smartass again", mike ray steps up to the plate and saves the day. right on. the only thing i would have said differently was god's fucking gift to humankind but i guess that's just an issue of style. i think mike and i are becoming more and more alike the further we get apart and that is creepy yet fabulous. john - my email address can be found by clicking on my name under any blog i write. if you could figure out how to 1)go to team in the edit section, 2)click on your name, 3)click on "edit my profile" in the topright hand corner, 4)make-up a nickname and add your email address, you too could have this capability for your blogs. p.s. this is the last time i explain this to anyone. kelly, that means you.
and yes, keep smoking and you wont need me to convince you that smoking pot everyday leads to stupidity. it's not gonna make you book-dumb but you'll figure out what it will do. say goodbye to your short term memory, say hello to crazy sue dunham.
posted by vic
@ 17:43
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uh, yeah John. I think what you are dealing with are a bunch of pseudo-intellectuals who think quoting passages from obviously great works of literature makes them fucking god's gift to humankind. (but I could be dead wrong, who knows) How's the weather down there, btw?
posted by rayve nation
@ 16:46
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Can someone please convince me that smoking pot regularly leads to stupidity? This guy Jeff had a session the other day and it was incredible. They (seniors) are reading einstein and hegel and the conversation they had about it while I was there was incredible. When they were talking about hegel and heidiger Jeff kept whipping out his Hegel and reading these passages that accentuated whatever particular they were discussing, without the aid of notes or bookmarks, just remembering exactly where they were. I mean I know that there are those stoners who make rocks look like Aristotle, but it is seeming to me that the herbs have nothing to do with it.
And would Paige fucking Walter please stop sending me out-of-print forwards? If it were something she actually wrote then I might deign to read it and sent an ambiguous reply, but I have already seen the hamsterdance!!! And I already know the 1000 reasons it is good to be male (You reap such benefits as being able to stand up and pee, for those of you who dont ALREADY KNOW)
PS how can I make it say who is posting my blogs?
Vicki, I need more of you all-too-accurate ego smashes. Can you send me your email address (to my hotmail?)
Whats up with relatives calling at 7:30 in the morning? And then pushing you off the edge of the precipice of irritability by asking why you haven't called them yet? Shit, because I am obviously not up early enough to call you while you are in the middle of your REM sleep.
POSTED BY JOHN
posted by egeus
@ 16:36
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i'll fucking kill you all.
people i was 14! give me a break! can't you tell...im a hippie! please note turqouise necklace. that alone is proof.
when big, lonely 14 year old girls inherit the earth (and they will...) there will be a massive bloodbath over the earth and i will be spared. will you, asshole?
posted by vic
@ 08:05
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Wednesday, September 20, 2000
(made possible by billy healy)
posted by rayve nation
@ 22:37
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experimenting with sobriety:day four i have an iron fucking will
i am still sick, goddammit, but i am getting better. i keep taking these incredible naps in which i sleep blissfully for an hour at a time with my nose dripping all over my pillow. but when i attempt to go to sleep at night i toss and turn and can't enter slumerbland! i think it has something to do with the fact that my spoiled fat ass has been sprawled all over a king-size bed for the last 5 years and now i am being forced to sleep on this shanty-pad masquerading as a "bed". and yes i know that i am being very, very frivilous complaining about such matters. forgive me. heh.
i went to my first tai chi (thai chai?) class today. it was incredible. the teacher is this extremely tall, lanky black guy with this beautiful smile. he's been teaching it for 11 years. turns out that it is not tai chi in the traditional sense that we are going to be learning but tai chi chuan which (from what i gather) is some sort of boxing method derived from tai chi. we spent the first hour of class listening to him explain the concepts behind tai chi and it was so cool. it was all wonderful taoist stuff about movement and energy and change and brown paper packages tied up with string(these are a few of my favorite things!). the class is incredibly eclectic. there is an old jewish man who must be near to 80. he wears a sweatband on his bald head and is very talkative. im amazed that he tried to do all of the stuff we did - there was a lot of stretching and flexibility exercises. he said he was there to get his balance back. when the instructor asked if he meant emotional or physical the old guy said, "forget emotional! i just dont wanna fall over!" i was so surprised that i could do everything. turns out i've been limber all this time and never knew it. really the only time it was ever put to the test was when i was drunk and naked and i thought it was just the liquor that allowed me to put my legs over my head like that. now i can do it whenever i want. (nobody get any ideas. i really hate that position.) im so excited to be doing something physical that i like. and i so dig the whole mind-body connection.
tonight as i wrote my paper, gillain, sinead and kim had a massive session in gillian's room that left the entire hall smelling like a damn smoke-stack. i was invited but sent george glass in my place instead. see, i can resist temptation! who knew? the greatest part: it wasnt even tempting. i did have a cigarette with them after i finished my paper and the three of them could barely speak. i was glad that i could go back to my room and not question the universe and my existence. sometimes that's great but sometimes you just wanna watch tv.
i saw mark in the cafeteria today. i hadnt seen him in forever. i realized that i have a crush on somone who calls me "man". it's not gonna happen. once someone has called you "man", they're not gonna stick their tongue in your mouth. well maybe...but i sincerely doubt it.
i think i may have been accidentally fucking up by not reading the assigned texts for my urban sociology class. we never discuss them and the teacher told one of the students that they aren't on the tests but i get this sinking feeling my ass is waaaay behind. whhoops.
shout-out section:
i talked to karen last night from school. she had moved in but none of her stuff was there yet. she said she was getting adjusted and that she should be up and running soon.
kelly - i know you're busy getting busy with the boyfriend but could you take a sex, whoops, sec and tell us what's up? i love you!
billy and erin - i love you both so much! you dont even know how happy it makes me everytime i talk to one of you. keep holding down the fort and make sure to wreak holyhell in that booth for all of us who are no longer stuck in its smellytheaterprison. and you can tell ms. haley i said that. that is, if she remembers my name (all those hours and that bitch could never get it right!)
john - how does it feel to be maryjane's girlfriend? she's a cruel mistress but treat her with respect and she will do you no harm. watch out though kiddo, you cant afford to miss any more than you already do. i say that in the most endearing way possible. dont get stupid.
i love you all! goodnight!
posted by vic
@ 22:18
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I am really sorry
Matt you better fucking blog again, or I will cry. My comment was not meant to be sarcastic or demeaning to you in any way. I was just trying to make you laugh. During my first few days of college I freaked out and thought I was in a parallel universe, and I didn't have a good time (maybe that was propter pot smoking, but whatever) things change. people change. hang in there, friend.
posted by rayve nation
@ 21:58
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everyone is an ass
posted by Record Album
@ 21:14
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Steph and Karen----I am really sorry I am not calling yous guys back. But I have 8 dollars left and I have to save that for sacs and cigs. But I am still using my old email address. Wow I love this website. But now I feel like I am writing email naked--oh yeah wait I am--just kidding. My room mate is going nuts, methinks. He took a year off after HS but all he did was smoke out (I mean up) (<--- I made funny)for twelve consecutive months. But the thing is, when he's high he busts out with these ubercynical remarks and acts like an ass. But then immediatewly he feels guilty about it. So today he goes and throws out his bong and his pipe. And he was going to flush our communal pot pot too. But he didnt/
They say I'm lazy but it takes all my time.
Once a thing has been done, the fool sees it.
John
posted by egeus
@ 21:05
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tis a sad state of affairs.
i thought i'd be going to phish this weekend with my finger in the air. yes, i was going to have to be one of those kids. ack! but then... a glimmer of hope! the infamous abe alerted mark that ticketbastard was going to have a small number of tickets to the sold out show on sale @ eleven today (how does this work? i dont get it either). so i raced home across the street after sociology, and went nuts from 10:55-11:48. the phone, my computer, janine's computer. the transaction went through on both computers but never gave me a confirmation number. so i kept calling and calling. and no luck. so i'll see you there. with my finger in the air. .
it's a rainy day, perfect for napping. but right now i want to read a bit before i go to women's studies so i can actually go to class prepared (what a concept).
posted by marisa jo
@ 12:20
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Oh well. I guess my negative reaction to this blatently perfect situation is unacceptable. Forgive me. I won't blog anymore.
Adios.
posted by heinous
@ 00:45
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Tuesday, September 19, 2000
you know what? i just realized that there is no one here to not let me listen to ben lee. so hahaha, i am going to listen to it until i can take no more (speculations on exactly how long that will take ahould be kept to yourself, mike). i remember when i bought this album. it was fall of senior year. i remember exactly what it felt like-driving out of the best buy in village crossing, the heat on full blast and the windows down, smoking a cigarette and hating my life but still having that nice melodramatic feeling that hating your life and seeing your hand in the side mirror with a cigarette in it can give you. tonight i think i am going to go on a little mindtour of the nw side in fall until i fall asleep. ahhh...i can see the minute man already...
posted by vic
@ 22:13
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shit i forgot:
1. that show on upn was the best thing ive ever seen on tv. ever.
2. the real world seasons 1-4 are never going to be played on mtv ever again after this weekend. that means i will never see my favorite cast (nyc the first one), nor will the sweet london face of neil ever grace my screen again. sadness.
3. next week is the episode where julie's parents come. i know you'll be there (mike).
4. KAREN - how's school, baby? im thinking about you! i love you! i hope it's great!
5. Mike is coming to visit me on Sept. 30th. He's bringing Jason of figured-out-our-gbook-was-fucked-up fame. im so excited i could spit.
posted by vic
@ 21:31
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experimenting with sobriety:day three
well, i was up till 2:30 last night talking to mike on the phone so i felt like shit when i woke up. but at least i didn't feel hazy(thank you erin clancy for that word: what a dead-on description!) unfortunately, i am extremely sick now (not dope-sick, jerk!) my cold is back and it's badder than ever.
in other news - becky is a god. A nurturing, care-taker angel! i told her i was sick and she brought up tea, meds, a mug, AND hershey kisses and reisen from their pantry! she also got her hair cut and dyed and it looks really cute. there's a cheap place over on astor that she went to and now i cant wait to get my hair cut and colored. it's been so long since i dyed it, i think im going to go dark again for winter.
i didnt even think about smoking pot today but that could be because i am so sick. blech. it's really weird to be sick away from my mom. i cant be all pathetic and dependent because there's no one here to take care of me (or care at all). i have to handle myself and i have so much less pity for me than she does.
now i am watching teen files:surviving high school on upn. it's great. i am so glad to be outta that insitutional hellhole. what a terrible time of life for mental health. now i am crying because i am a big, huge dork. i wish i could have done high scool completely differently. on this show they have chosen around 12 kids each from a different clique and then made them do all these crazy things together and of course by the end they all come together. i know we think this is cliche but it just proves the point that goddammit, we're all the same! there is no difference between us! we all hurt! why are we still torturing ourselves? i dont understand it at all. and kids are still doing it here, it's just easier to ignore.
every minute in the u.s. a kid attempts suicide.
that's fucked up.
goodnight. i love you all.
posted by vic
@ 20:00
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the paper i wrote last week was returned to me today. i got a B, and the re-write is due next thursday. usually i appreciate any teacher-editing, but her's just pissed me off, i couldn't find any validity in anything she wrote. nor could anyone else. so whatever, i have to have two people edit it, and she'll be one of 'em. supposed to go to madison this afternoon, but that didn't happen of course. i should begin keeping stats on how many times we actually make it there (chuck: the new man of empty promises?). so i have all this reading to do tonight, and i think i'll actually do it? here's hopin'. forty-one substance free hours.
posted by marisa jo
@ 18:10
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fucking a. Last night Marisa and I experimented with a wonderful thing at 2:00 in the morning: Internet Conferancing! (aka phone over the internet) This wonderful invention was made posssible by AIM. (As time goes by, I am convinced more and more that AIM is the ultimate program. A <jack>program</jack> of all traits, if you will). anyway...so yeah, I'm a big fucking dork! (who knew?)
posted by rayve nation
@ 12:37
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a weird weekend to top off a weird week. and i think i have fleas or something. i itch and i have little bug bites all over. jesse suggested it may be bedbugs.
i suppose the official start of the weekend was marked by the major session after class/before lunch. janine and i passed out napped for several hours, with many ignorable interruptions. diana, seth, and i cruised to the liquor store and loaded up the trunk with assorted bottles, including a box full of forties. picked up seth's friends from loyola, jon and dan, at the bus stop. this weekend was the school's annual folk 'n blues festival, and we went to see the delta 72 (still amazed/curious that they played here) at ten, and i don't remember exactly how we killed the hours beforehand, but i do recall a game of "roxanne" being played, and there are several pictures, including a series of jon (seth's pal -- too many jons!) with sweet baby ray. delta 72 rocked it, i had a good time dancing around in the cowboy hat and talking to townies. jon and i went to his room after the show and had a corona and chilled a bit, then came back to my room, crowded with shwilly kids. we called uncle palermo and got our six dolla pizza lovin' on at two a.m., then we all went downstairs and popped in gummo. everyone kinda passed out on and off, i think, with the exception of a few hardhitters.
the next thing i know, it's nine-thirty a.m. and mark's calling to get my ass outta bed and back to chi-town. jesse finally makes it over and we hit the road around ten-thirty. i let mark drive as i lounged in the backseat and discovered the wonderment of the letter j. (this sounds crazy, i know, but it would sound even crazier if i actually tried to explain it.) we eventually made it to chicago and had lunch @ mark's house with his parents. we went to dominick's to get tickets for the movie, but they weren't on sale anymore because it was the day of the event. but since i was there i wanted to get my ani tickets. oh, but they got stuck in the machine. so we stood there for about an hour. and a strange hour it was. the rest of the afternoon was spent running errands, etc. we bought tickets for the midnight show but after a dinner of delicious thai food, we bought a bottle of captain morgan and realized we had far too much time on our hands (4+ hours), and that we would all get way too stupid if we sat there and drank for all that time. so we decided to go to the 9.45 show instead. we still had about an hour to kill so we filled up jesse's nalgene bottle with rum and guava juice, rolled a doobie, and walked around dark alleys and neighborhoods super-shady-stylee. oh, i hadn't had such fun in a while. "bittersweet motel" was rather amusing. except that it was hard for me to pay attention, but what's new. we cruised down to joliet to crash my pad for the night. watched "billy madison" and an episode of "the wonder years". oh, sweet sweet kevin arnold.
we stopped off at vicki's house on the way back to school sunday. it felt so odd to drive around those parts without you kids being there. but it was comforting at the same time, i suppose. anyway, ginger gave me my stainglass window -- it's fabulous, oh i love it. and hearing her explain it to me was beautiful. we sat outside and she fed us the ol' pizza bread -- oh yum, i missed that stuff. it was so good to see her. didn't do much of anything once i got back here, hung around and caught up on the previous evening's gossip, made matzo ball soup in a dark kitchen, etc.
i felt super-tired and semi-crappy most of today. after women's studies jon and i sat out back and had a good talk for a while. one of those ones that got me feeling very emotional and frustrated, but not in a negative way... i'm being cryptic, i'm sorry. i had an AIDS education task force meeting this evening, in which some strange situations on campus were addressed, and put me in a bit of a weird spot. that's all i'll say about that for now. i had a SABE (students active for a better education) meeting at ten. the purpose of this board is to determine funding for educational/cultural events on campus, and i go representing said task force. we went over a few proposals and voted, but i mostly observed. quite a few interesting characters. i came home to find mark doing some strange dance to sade's "smooth operator". then janine discovered that her computer can talk! we went apeshit for the next several hours, and i got to talk to mike! muwhaha. all of a sudden it's almost three a.m.? i ought to go. goodnight, kids.
posted by marisa jo
@ 02:46
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Monday, September 18, 2000
mark - that's not what i was saying. i shall not try to explain in this medium as it failed the first time and most likely will the second. smell ya later.
posted by vic
@ 23:56
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So Vic This is the dog talkin'(Frank Zappa rules)(but this is Mark iif this blasted piece of gears AND PAPERCLIPS doesn't work again I am again labeled as Marisa) So anyway Eric though he is a huge stoner tends not to be depressed but rather content instead. Joker's wild
goodnight
posted by marisa jo
@ 23:25
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experimenting with sobriety:day two
today was the first day that i have been here that i didnt want to die. oh, now, now, i can already see the worried, furrowed brows of many of you reading that statement but please note that today i didn't want to die. that's a good thing. and it's not really that i have wanted to die as in kill myself, but i had been playing around with this notion of turning off my brain for a while and getting away from myself. i have been plagued with what i can only describe as a sick, sick vortex of whirling thoughts that never cease and never allow me any peace. this was a really confusing thing as i have always been extremely thrilled with my thoughts and treated each moment of my existence as a tiny kernel of truth and beauty (perhaps an inflated sense of purpose but shit, it's all i've got!). turns out that it wasn't a removal from myself that i desperately needed, it was a return.
so, hi, im back. you may remember me from such episodes as the last 18 years, or "vic - the girl with a will to live".
today was the first day i have not felt that i am mentally ill (that's mentally ill in a bad way - not the im-going-to-stay-up-till-4-am-drawing-a-banner-for-a-party-nobody-is-coming-to way). today was the first day i have had a vision of (what's that word again?) clarity. my mind is clear. not from being wiped out or blank, but clear and with purpose. today sparkeled and my eyes revealed a soul behind them. oh, man...today!
it's funny because whenever we talked about people who were going to go ape-shit in college we never mentioned me. i never thought i would either. i've partied hard, i've lived without rules before. but i have seen the edge people and while it is fun to stand at the top and look over it is really fucking scary to be hanging from it for dear life.
since 1982. back in effect.
posted by vic
@ 21:28
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alright. i just saw janeane garafalo! and i dont mean i saw her...i was standing next to her. i was walking down 5th avenue trying to find someone to ask what time it was. i am always eyeing people's wrists for watches. ever since that first night in new orleans i have had no idea what time it is. so i see this small girl ahead of me with a watch and i pick up the pace to ask her the time. when im right next to her i see that she's reading the paper and as i look closer again i think, "wow, that chick looks like janeane garafalo. that'd be pretty cool if i saw janeane garafalo."
a little background info: you can see janeane if you live in the village. she's probably the easiest "celebrity" to meet. a couple days ago i was talking to gillian about it and we decided that while she was very easy to spot, she was incredibly hard to impress. it seems that most people's encounters involve them stumbling over what to say that will make her laugh or at least think they're cool and instead of saying something smart they just end up saying some stupid shit like, "i really like your stuff."
so as i near closer i realize that it IS janeane garafalo! now my heart is pounding incredibly fast and i finally stop and say, "hi. im sorry to disturb you from your paper but i was just talking to my friend about how easy it is too meet you but how you're incredibly hard to impress." and she says, "really? well, thanks." then two other people stopped and stood slack-jawed and one of them yells, "you RULE!" even though she is standing right there. and then i say, "oh, now there's a scene" and then i ask, "do you have the time?" and she says, "oh, yeah! it's 11:58" and i say "thanks" and we both start walking again. i feel really stupid now though because i wish i could have been like, "thanks for saying things that are really true but i cant put into words. thanks for making me laugh. thanks for being an incredibly healthy example to girls of what you can be" but instead i asked her what time it was. DOH! oh well, there's always next time. muwahahaha!
today i think i love nyc more than i ever have. and it's not just because of the janeane encounter. today is a beautiful day. i love today.
posted by vic
@ 12:32
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so check this shit out: smoking pot three times a day actually makes me depressed! and it contributes to a feeling of inadequacy and social anxiety (the stoner self-esteem problem...i think we're all well aware of this crippling issue eric heineman, etc.). and it also makes it very hard to get dressed, or see, or hear. see none of you know this as you have not seen me in a long time but i allowed myself to get really messy. i was in a constant state of freak-out confusion. holy shit, i just realized that i have been hardcore fucking myself up since i got here. whoops! my bad.
tao book advice on pot: "main thing is to not let it make you lazy, crazy, or in any way prevent you from your path." how much do i love that book!?
posted by vic
@ 10:10
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Sunday, September 17, 2000
Oh Karen, I am so happy for you. You are the last one to leave (besides Kelly of course), and now you will know the craziness that is college where you are placed in a foreign place with a bunch of kids you don't even know, and your parents just leave you there. Everyone needs to be a fish out of water at least one point in their life. College is so cool (and I mean cool in the cheesiest sense.)
p.s. - I'd like to give a shout out to Kelly...
posted by rayve nation
@ 23:34
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as i bring to close my first day of sobriety in what has been nearly a month, i have but one thought: shit, i remember everything that happened!
posted by vic
@ 21:27
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Mike--that was a fucking beautiful thing you wrote about love and people and beauty. I have made all of my roommates (or maybe 2) read it because I was so proud to be your friend when I read it. God, all that you said was so fucking right on--I need some kind of non-sexual physical contact!!! Cities are cold...they're wonderful and fun, but cold. I can't wait to visit you vic because we'll see each other and I'll give you a big hug and it will be such fucking emotional relief. Two of my roommates and I went out to eat and I got so somber and desolate feeling. There was this Japanese family sitting close by, laughing, and doing their whole family thing, and I got so jealous and just wanted to be home. Tonight, they had a post-wedding shin-dig for my brother and T, and the whole family was probably sitting there, eating shitty tasting torte and drinking coffee in the dining room, laughing about trivial matters and jokes. God, it made me miss my family- strange but true, it happens. Also, in better news, I talked to my brother and T and it was all good. I talked for a while with each of them. Being married has really kicked his ass into gear...what else has you ask? Well, here's my quasi-formal announcement that I'm gonna be an aunt in March. Crazy, eh? I'm fine with it now. It's still supposed to be on the downlow, for various reasons, so don't tell your roommates!! Ha ha, those is jokes, but really just keep it in close quarters till March or so. I'm getting really excited over this actually, they are gonna find out if it's a boy or a girl in a week. Love you all, this is S, signing off to go read some Mary Wollstencraft....
posted by Record Album
@ 20:45
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today i saw 4 different drug deals outside the window as i tried to read plato's apology. now i am just being stupid posting this and avoiding the little homework i have any further.
posted by vic
@ 19:13
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the promise ring is sounding really good right now. they are such a wonderful autumn band. they feel chilly and brisk, exactly how i wish it would feel outside. matt schiltz - where are you, buddy? i always associate you with them because you played them for me first. do you remember that? you gave me a ride home from harlequins sometime early junior year and you played them for me and i remember being like, "note to self: steal emo from matt" haha. how are you by the way? i think about you, hope you're having a good time. now time to buy my plane ticket home for thanksgiving (oh, how excited this thought makes me!) and write a one page response to plato's apology. how can i only have ONE page of response to what is a one of the pinnacles of western philosophy besides being an incredible thinker's final words? impossible! (please read that with a french accent for prentention's sake)
posted by vic
@ 15:15
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dear diary,
i quit smoking pot. i know we all thought this day would never come, but whoa it has. ive been thinking about it since i got here and i finally realized that i dont want to do it anymore. it's become an addiction and i really hate being slave to something. i dont know what i was doing thinking that each day i could take a 4 - 8 hour break from reality. i cant do it anymore. it's starting to really mess with my head. i love my brain too much to be destroying parts of it on a daily basis. i also am tired of being defined as someone who smokes pot before i am defined as a human being. i am not marijuana, i just do it...or i guess, did it. this is not to say that i will never smoke pot again. i hate trying to make stupid "never again" promises to myself. they just dont work and they make me feel "regretful", whatever that is. i dont regret smoking pot either. i've done it for a long time and now im done. this has been bothering me for some time and when something is bothering me i have to do something about it. so here i am doing something about it. i feel as though pot has been wasting a lot of my time lately because no matter what i do, i lose around 1-2 hours each day in the act of smoking pot and in the afterglow of getting my head together enough to leave.
im tired of thinking too much. im tired of being high. im tired of my throat and lungs hurting all the fucking time. im tired.
as soon as i made this decision i felt so much lighter. i felt a weight being lifted. finally, i dont have to smoke pot all the time. i dont have to get high before i can do something. i can just do it (hahah, maybe im just a nike representative and this is all a ploy!). as soon as i made this decision i opened up my book "365 tao" which has a little kernel of wisdom for everyday and the word for today was "stimulation" and what followed was "sex, coffee, liquor and cigarettes are the totems of today. stimulation has replaced feeling." there was a little explanation that said everything i have been saying all my life and i know that it is dead on. i think part of my massive confusion with college and my changing non-stop feelings has been because im HIGH ALL THE TIME! no shit things are confusing! hello? well, that all being said, i dont want anyone to think im going to become some true to the X type of kid, im just done for the moment. im sure that marijuana and i will stay friends, we're just going to date other people for a while. it feels good to make a clear decision. peace, im out.
love, vic
posted by vic
@ 12:09
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Man oh man, I went to my first college party, and it was a lot of fun, because it was a bunch of young adults hanging out, drinking, and having a good time, but it wasn't like frankie's young adult parties, because no one had any hang ups, and there was no unneccessary drama and/or bad vibes. It was the same atmosphere as our porch parties, but with more people.
Speaking of people, I consider myself a fucking introvert, but I fucking love people more than anything. They are so beautiful it makes me cry whenever I think about it. I always use to feel so alone, but nowadays I realize that there are all kinds of people out there, more kinds than i can even fathom, and how dare i fucking assume that there is no one else that i can love? how dare I. there are so many beautiful people in this world, if you just look hard enough, and sometimes you don't even have to look, they just come to you, ya know?
And I had't hugged any of my friends in a long time, because I have been in college for about a month, and I was secretly depressed about that, but while we were driving to the party, Alex brouht the same exact thing up where he hasn't hugged any of his friends in a while either, and he used to hug his friends all of the time. So at the end of the night, we all hugged each other as we parted ways, and I'm so not high at all, but it was so cool, because I never thought i would hug anyone new that i didn't already know, and I shouldn't have so little faith in people, because they are beautiful things. man, I'm so sensitive; I'm crying right now as i type this.
posted by rayve nation
@ 04:14
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1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9 gunshots outside my window!
1...2...3 different people screaming at the top of their lungs.
what the hell am i doing here?
posted by vic
@ 02:09
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