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Saturday, September 16, 2000
whoa karen, sorry to burst your bubble but i think all colleges have that. well, at least i know nyu does. i think it's a national company. i wish i had told my parents to get that. they asked if i wanted it and i was like,"what, do you think im some kind of stoner?" yes.
i am still sick. i am going crazy with sickness. i decided to do laundry and it is killing me. why do you have to devote an entire day to such a simple task? goddammit!
p.s. the rentals are the weirdest band ever. they repeat the same songs and put different words in them! ive never heard of that before! strange!
posted by vic
@ 16:33
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Friday, September 15, 2000
p.s. marisa, baby, it's a wild worm. i love you.
posted by vic
@ 23:57
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i will never understand why world party never got famous! they are a really good band and it is virtually impossible to find any of their albums! everyone needs to go listen to "she's the one" right now. i think it may be the best relationship song ive ever heard. i refrain from calling it a "love song" because i think it's different than a love song. plus if i said it was the best love song ive ever heard karen would go all crazy and say that the song paul mccartney wrote for linda is the best love song ever.
p.s. anyone using scour to download mp3s there is a track going around that says "sublime - sunday, bloody sunday live". i downloaded it and after the first thirty seconds of thinking that brad really sounded like bono i realized that it was bono. so, dont, uh, be fooled. rrright...
posted by vic
@ 23:39
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i just ordered food for delivery off the internet. creepy creepy cyborg nation.
posted by vic
@ 19:18
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really quick: the whole "i need to cease to exist" thing was just my little weird way of saying i was tired. and so now i have slept and i have woken up with a very bad sickness complete with chills and razor-blade throat. i dont know waht im going to do. i think i havea fever. im wheezing. oh fucking a bronchitis. mom?
posted by vic
@ 18:46
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maybe it's my fault. maybe im the jerk. i dont know anymore. do you ever wish you could just get away from yourself for just a little while? sometimes i wish i could just cease to exist, just so i can get a breather. im fucking nuts.
so here's the story of last night.
becky had a flyer for this party at a bar nearby and on it read the instructions, "girls 18+ men 21+". i cant believe that they can do this! they might as well have put "this party is so that older men can get 18 year old girls drunk and then sleep with them". so, of course, i was intrigued. i put on a skirt and a slutty top and big shoes and more makeup then i have worn in years and got ready to go out. the whole time i felt really stupid doing this but i couldnt put my finger on why. i also was very nervous and kept thinking that they (the same "they" that does other scary things, i guess) were going to know i was an imposter and that i am such a moron for putting on sexy clothes and pretending. mostly im worried about seeing mark and/or ben caddy because i look like a slutty girl and i am doing everything i hate and i dont want them to call me on it. who should i see when leaving the building standing outside and smoking a cigarette? oh, ben and mark. they're both kained of course and mark makes some, "wow, getting fancy" comment and then stared at my tits which he has never done before. ben leaned up against the wall with his eyes half-closed which is what he always does (jordon? jordon catalano? it's angela chase...my so-called life got cancelled. yeah, 5 years ago). anyway, we began our walk to the club and i noticed that all the men were checking us out and then i remembered what i have been forgetting lately and that is this: most men will sleep with me. i was going to put all men will sleep with me there, but i didnt wanna get anyone riled up. and it's not just me. most men will sleep with anyone, and at least they will undress you with their eyes if you look like you are "asking for it". since i've been here, i forgot what it was that i used to do when i was picking up joe randoms left and right. new orleans threw me off because i didnt have to do it there. but the "trick" is that all you have to do is know that anyone will sleep with you. and then they will. i re-discovered this little tidbit of knowledge right outside the bar and i almost wish i hadn't because for the rest of the night i was like, "what the fuck?"
when we got in we sat down next to three kids from the 6th floor: a very good-looking gay boy, a haggard looking party girl, and one of her friends. i guess right before we got there, the gay boy had downed a long island ice tea in one gulp so he was very trashed. pretty soon, he starts making out with the haggard partygirl at the fucking table. it slowly evolves into a worse situation as haggard partygirl drinks more and i soon can see the look of love in her eyes for this gayboy that isnt really paying attention to her (gee, maybe it's cuz he likes men, ya think?) everytime we (me and the boy) try to have a conversation haggard partygirl grabs his face and sticks her tongue in his mouth. now, i dont like to compete for men; it's not my thing - there's more than enough to go around. but i am certainly not going to compete for conversation with a drunkard or for gay make-out (been there, done that). finally i think that the boy tired of her shit and he got up to dance. (oh...p.s. haggard partygirl has a boyfriend but "he's ok with it cuz evan's gay" (what the fuck?)) then some random boy sits down next to haggard partygirl and within 2 minutes they were touching and within 5 minutes they probably would have gone back to someone's room had the night not been so young and all. they exchange numbers, give each other hugs and cheek kisses (what FUCKING bullshit!) and then they all leave. so me and becky are left alone. we chat about swinging and stepford wives, go to the can and get the fuck out of dodge. two long island iced teas later and 16 bucks poorer, i was thrilled to just leave.
here's my problem: the whole entire place - the flyer, the bar, this entire CITY is wrapped up in getting laid. everyone is trying to hook up here all the time. if it was possible, manhattan would forever orbit around a giant light-up sign that said "sex". so, if everyone wants it, and everyone is trying so desperately to get it, why are we making it so hard on ourselves? wouldnt it be a helluva lot easier to just cut out the middleman bullshit and be real and get laid whenever? why do human beings like difficulty? everything could be so simple! i dont get it. becky and i decided that we dont want any part of it. although i think it's easier for her to decide that because in approximately T minus 2 hours she will be having sex with her boyfriend. i will probably be asleep and alone.
after we left we went to my store and got a 40 and a pack of smokes. on the way home from the store we saw a hard-core drug deal, got offered "weed, ecstacy, coke", and were harassed numerous times. it's a block away.
we found laura and so we split the 40 and smoked more pot (including laura who had only ever done it once) and we continue the sex discussion. laura says that she is "unfuckable" even though she is really cute and is exactly what any boy would want. so i propose that if any of us knocked on any door in the entire dorm (provided there were straight men behind it) and said, "excuse me, would you like to fuck?" when they opened it, there would not be a single boy who would say no. so laura decides we should actually test this hypothesis. being that i am incredibly fucked up at this point i decide to go along with this. but in my head i knew that laura shouldnt be doing this. i think that i can handle the sickening consequences of this act and i have been fucked over and out enough to know how to deal with it (and i've also got a better grasp of why i do this shit and why there are men to go along with it), but laura is howyousay, naive and easily hurt. anyway, we're standing in the hallway and some guy with no shirt on walks to his room so laura knocks and says, "um, is it still raining?" and the next thing we see is her disappear into the room. that's it. that's all she said, "is it raining?" two minutes later she busts out and is like, "im hooking up with that guy!" and runs back in. but then i remember she has my backpack with my keys and my weed so i knock on the door. and i knock. and i knock more. and i scream, "laura you have my keys!" but no one is answering. i go into becky's room to figure out what i should do and not even three minutes later laura walks in and says, "i just gave that guy a blowjob". and then she started freaking out. and then she said she was going to cry and she was making a really sad noise and my heart just broke. i fucking cant believe that happened. she gave a stranger a blowjob and then left. it's so typical internet "college co-eds go cock crazy" porn. i am so saddened. i am so disheartened. i had no idea what to do or say and it was so fucked up i had to go home. on the way i ran into mark and he was coming up to my room with me (where this was going the world may never know) but we ran into ben and he came up too. then mark left after some sort of explanation (i have forgotten much of this part as i was in shock and really fucked up) and ben and i smoked a bowl and talked abou a business proposition. you'll hear more if it ever actually happens, which i doubt it will because it all lies in my hands and my hands (are small i know?) are the devil's playground. i do remember both ben and me leaning with our heads against the door to my hallway laughing really hard because he called gillian "gilligan". then he left. and i went to bed. and i never want to think about that laura thing or the implications of it ever again. this city and this school are really fucked up. i doubt anyone read this far. if you did - wow. now it's time for a nap. god it's only friday afternoon and i just wanna burrow under my covers for the rest of the weekend. good luck to everyone else out there.
posted by vic
@ 15:11
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wow. um yeah. last night. whoooo. i dont know if i can ever write about everything that happened b/c the evening kept taking more and more twists and turns as it progressed. im fed up about a lot of stuff with sex. extremely fed up. im fed up with a lot. im so disappointed with the state of gender relations here. it's an absolute goddamn crying shame. for a school that has made so much headway and has such a strong, respected, safe lgbt community, the straight girls (and probably all girls) are still so far behind it makes me sick. im very aware of being meat here. im aware of us all being meat. fuck, i have a class and im so hungover/still trashed. goddammit im so stupid sometimes.
posted by vic
@ 09:15
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Thursday, September 14, 2000
marisa, i read the paper. it was sooo good! and if i didnt have all this eye makeup on i would cry! (oh what we do for beauty...) i love you!!
posted by vic
@ 20:40
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dear jesus...am i going to hell for this?
yeah, so right now becky and i are getting hookered up for a night on the town. after shaving(butchering) my legs and walking around with two huge pieces of toilet paper i have finally managed to look acceptable to society. i feel really slutty and silly though. i think i have forgotten how to look like i like to get it on. wish me luck.
marisa - i didnt read the paper yet but i am going to soon. and i still think that telling an entire table of strangers that i gave some guy head for a non-existent bag of weed is worse. but i'll get you one day. oh, yes, i'll get you yet!
posted by vic
@ 20:29
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Marisa--nice fucking paper! impressed was I
posted by Record Album
@ 20:07
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oh, and vicki -- i've probably read your last post ten times but just now noticed your clever new orleans comment. tee hee. i think we're even now, after that game of "i never" in the big easy. er, actually, i think you win...
posted by marisa jo
@ 17:18
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touch me i'm dick manic. i got my paper done. i stayed up till 5.30 this morning going over articles a bit, sketching up ideas, but mostly doing nothing. i took a two hour nap, woke up, and got my write on. i feel pretty good, i must say. cubes '72 arrived today. tis a good night for schwillin'. might take a trip up to madison shortly, but who knows.
ginger just called me again. wow. i'm so glad to have her in my life, to have her as a surrogate mother. i guess i do need a mother. she always makes me remember that. i can't wait to see her saturday.
something is rotten in the state of ripped (my favorite state... hi, i'm un-funny). it's been an odd-feeling week in general, and then throw in particular instances like the untimely death of bongascope, the destruction of the floor we walk on, etc. this afternoon a burning coal from the hookah dropped into one of our ashtrays and shattered it. this is when janine reached a brilliant epiphany: our hookah is cursed. so many bad things have happened since it's arrival. so we're going to retire her for a while, see if things get better. such a shame. i think i may attempt resting right now.
posted by marisa jo
@ 16:52
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im a big fucking sicko. i just found the joy that is this mp3 downloading and "music-sharing" you kids talk about. and now i have gone insane. and i have doubled my music in an hour. kinda like sex in new orleans...for SOME people. now it is 2 am and i have class at 9:30 but i also have a live version of weezer singing "brown-eyed girl" so i think it all makes up for it. yes, im sure it does.
oooohh.....sleep...
p.s. someone found our page by looking up 'against legalization of marijuana" on google. how the HELL did that search string EVER get this page?
posted by vic
@ 01:18
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Wednesday, September 13, 2000
Lemme tell you kids: I HEART AMERICA. Today, at the activities fair, I joined the American Club. They had a budweiser box holding up a sign, a minature cowboy, the Declaration of Independance and country music playing in the background---so let me say ha fuckin' ha American-hating Canadians!!! I've just been running into a lot of snooty Canadians who dislike American's lately. Talked to Francie last night, it was a random call but really nice and chill. Word has it, Mary Mischka-God bless her soul- already got written up for drinking! ooh, that sucks. Saw But I'm a Cheerleader --fuckin' great. real funny. marijuana paraphanelia is legal to sell in stores here---wierd shit. thinkin' about becoming a women's studies professor---just contemplating....
....
.....
posted by Record Album
@ 21:57
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i just drove gina and rachel (our neighbors) to the grocery store for cold medicine. as we're driving away, we see three girls from school, and they ask for a ride to the bus station. so i tell 'em to hop in, they tell us they're off to madison to see sleater-kinney, and that they have an extra ticket. but i turned it down to write a paper! look at me, being a student.
i came home and talked to vicki... and i'm going to new york for fall break. i can't wait!
i'm feeling quite a bit better than i was earlier today, i must say. vicki's mom called me earlier this evening to give me more info for my paper (i interviewed her for a womens studies project on gender roles), and she explained to me the imposter syndrome: this occurs among girls, particularly gifted women, who excel but think they only do so out of luck or because they had an exceptional teacher along the way. these girls live in constant fear/anticipation that they will be "found out", that they're not really as intelligent as people may perceive them. she could not have possibly called at a more appropriate time. it made me cry. what a gal.
but right now, i need to write my paper. and vicki: janine agreed with you, friends do count as a community. why do i always need other people to reassure me? ack. anyway, that's what i'll write about.
and i'd like to apologize for making you kids worry about me. i know it isn't something i should be sorry about, but i really feel bad. i love you guys so much.
posted by marisa jo
@ 20:26
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Hey, I need new clothes. maybe we could go shopping together, eh?
posted by rayve nation
@ 17:45
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i might also mention that my identity crisis has reached new limits as i just tried on every single piece of clothing i have and nothing looked right/fit right/felt right. those of you who know me know that it's not like i have a pre-occupation with style or "looking cute", i just didnt like i single thing i have. right before i left i threw out all my old clothes and bought a few pieces to wear from now on. problem is i dont like these clothes now. they feel very un-me and the only thing i have from my old life(wow, that sounds creepy) are those horrible khaki pants with the holes on the inside of the thighs and the "handles" i poked in the back with a knife in new orleans so that i could pull them up easier. they arent exactly an item i can wear all the time, although god i wish i could. everything here fits weird and is dirty or wrinkled and just hideous. i need new clothes. now, how am i going to justify this to anyone? "dad, all those clothes i bought before i went away dont feel right so i had to buy new ones."
im such a self-centered pothead-jerk sometimes.
how do you all stand me?
hahah.
posted by vic
@ 14:24
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someone is viewing our site from ignatius.org. billy? is that you billy? the thought of somebody else looking at my taped nipples from the computer lab really gives me the creeps - unless it's mr. nekrosius. later, i will edit this blog and remove his name in terror that he may one day read that (however he may find this). he does proctor the lab between 2:47 and 3:30, people. it's possible.
now off to register for t'ai chai classes!
but first, a cigarette!
posted by vic
@ 14:16
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old school ani has been rocking me lately, too. goddamn.
feeling shitty. kinda angry. not understanding why people aren't communicating with me. i've been trying to get a hold of robin (my stepmom) for nearly four weeks and she won't return my calls and it's so fucking frustrating. i don't understand what's going on and i'm scared and argh. and i called doctor c----k a few days ago about my meds (something ain't right) and he still hasn't called back. he's a doctor, i'm his patient, and i thought that this meant he had some sort of responsibility to me? am i out of line here? grrrrr.
i can't concentrate. i can't think. and it's not as though either of those are really new to me, but both concepts are rather crucial, now more than ever.
i'm already questioning whether or not i belong in a regular four-year college. i convinced myself for a while there that it was right for me, that i could do it, but i'm really not sure. i want to ride this year out and see what happens, though. i really should do that.
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well, since i wrote that first bit, robin called me back. it was good to talk to her, but it wasn't easy. i think i'm a bigger mess now than i was before, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. i dunno. ack.
posted by marisa jo
@ 12:22
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ok, i really need to be doing other things but sometimes i just get so wrapped up in my thoughts.
i get so amazed by the fluidity of everything. we all come from the water and you can feel it in you. you can feel the way that everything has to just ebb and flow. i do believe it is my favorite of the ultimate truths. ebb and flow and movement and change and re-birth and cycle. god, i love that shit.
i think i could be immobolized by this universe.
sure, so THAT'S why im not doing my homework!
posted by vic
@ 11:41
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"taken out of context i must seem so strange"
sam breaks bongoscope...i break sam. well, really it's not as bad as your cat dying when you're gone (knock on wood). oh, well.
today i debated going to my class. this is the first time i've done this and i know that all i have to do is think it once before it will become a daily plague. i went, but i didnt shower and i waited till the last possible second to get up. argh. i have a ton of work to do. i am sitting here wearing a towel.
anya has been saying that she is going to get toilet paper since yesterday. there is still no toilet paper. i could go and get some but im wearing a towel.
i am really digging ani lately. i listen to her old stuff and it's like we're going through the same things together.
"oh how i miss walking up to the edge and jumping in like i could feel the future on your skin."
posted by vic
@ 10:08
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the moral of the story: don't play ball in the house.
posted by marisa jo
@ 02:14
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Twas a cold and cloudy night. There is noo doubt that the events leading up to this event were uncontrolable(spelling error). Anyway Sam brakes the bong, big party foul.(This is lulu talkin, for Marisa does not know how to control the evil Blogger. Argh!) So tis a sad day, the winters will be long and the bread will be flat this year. The corn will not be harvestd for some time. Here's to Party Fouls.
Afternoon
Mark
posted by marisa jo
@ 02:09
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the end of an era: BONGOSCOPE IS DEAD.
11 july 2000 - 13 september 2000.
TIME OF DEATH: 1:50 a.m.
CAUSE OF DEATH: the ultimate party foul. austin force (a.k.a. SAM).
survived by george jetson and the new hookah (not yet named).
tis a sad sad day.
i will leave to cry now. goodbye, kids.
posted by marisa jo
@ 02:02
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Tuesday, September 12, 2000
mmmuhmschsucdnsmsmmm...reese's pieces. that's crazy about your realization karen. i think you are dead on! strange and creepy like it is whenever you realize something even remotely sexual about your parents. now if you'll all excuse me, blind date is on and i must devote my full attention to it. goodnight!
posted by vic
@ 22:20
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My brain is rotting with pictures of debauchery! Jason gace me that Adultcheck password last night, and ever since I have looked at way too much porn! I have reached my limit, and I feel extremely asexual (for now). The most wonderful thing is going to happen: George Clinton is coming to Case in October! It will be total PCU, and I told Jason that we have to smoke before the concert, but he hasn't seen PCU, so he doesn't really care (oh well). I have found that since being in college, I have told a great deal more jokes to myself than I used to.
posted by rayve nation
@ 12:24
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Monday, September 11, 2000
i can smell fall coming in tonight. it's incredible that i can smell anything outside of the garbage-hole that is this city, but i guess fall always finds a way. the sidewalk is starting to be covered with brown leaves now too. i can't wait. i am such a sucker for autumn.
i had another crazy encounter in the park. i have one everyday but i dont normally write about them because i forget. i originally had this idea to set up a blog called, "snatches" (from the ani difranco quote - "in the daylight everything is so gory you can hear snatches of strangers sorry stories" and cuz it's dirty. ha.) and i would just write all the insane sights and sounds of nyc i witness each day. i may still do it but who knows when i will get around to anything concrete. i dont have a server. i think i need one. regardless, i must document these things. so today when i was walking across the park (washnigton square park) i heard someone shouting this unidentifiable word over and over again. this city is so noisy; you can hear every situation you're about to get into before you can see it. i attempted to spot the crazy yeller as i neared the fountain so i could avoid him but i was already upon him when i figured out who it was. it turned out to be an old rastafarian man in a wheelchair with a chihuaha in rasta garb (no, not the hat. just an african dog-sweater) on a blanket on his lap. the unidentifiable word the man was shouting was "MAR-I-JUAN-A!!". an older lady pushed his chair along as he harassed all the people sitting on the first tier of seats at the fountain. when he had finally grabbed the attention of everyone in the center of the park he yelled, "oh, come on, you know you people all smoke that shit!" then his dog threw up all over his blanket and he had to stop his yelling to clean it up. the dog-puke was more of the frothing seizure variety and the man just said, "shit" and peeled it off the blanket in one sticky line. a little trail of froth hung out of the dogs mouth and the man went back to his yelling. this dog was obviously stoned. i will never be able to put into words what exactly a stoned chihuaha looks like, but it is actually very humorous if not maybe inhumane. his eyes were as pie-eyed as his owner's and mine on any given night of the week. i watched the spectacle for a minute and then went back to walking home. in nyc, you cant give anything more than a minute. part of this is because everything changes second by second, and part of this is because you cant ever forget what you're doing or where you are or you'll wind up in situations with crazy people who are really crazy and not always wheel-chair bound.
it's such madness here. i often feel like this little room (my own private padded cell) is the only safe haven i have. there are no gas stations here, no chain stores, no large supermarkets, no fast food places, no 7-fucking-11 or other comforts of any other city. manhattan is another planet. as i find myself being more and more comfortable here i also notice that i am losing parts of who i was. each day i become more adaptable to any situation i will ever find myself in ever again. i have had to harden. i pass the same man everyday who asks me if i have a "dime or quarter" and then swears horribly under his breath at me when i ignore him. i have to ignore him. this is not a place for the bleeding heart or the weak at knees. i have had to refind this strength thing inside myself. i didn't need it for a while there and so it became dormant but i am utilising it fully now. i thought for a while that i would never have to be strong again. i remember actually feeling a weakening inside me when i said it out loud. i remember feeling like something was missing too. strength is not a bad thing. it is good to be strong because otherwise you can't make it. i dont mean that in a survival way, i mean it in an emotional stability way. i am so thankful to have this inexhaustible resource inside me. otherwise i would have called my mom and said i want to go home last week when i was in that pit of despair. otherwise i wouldnt even be here. and i would never know the things of which i am capable. this city is mad and hard and threatening, but if you let it, it will open up and reveal to you it's own bottomless pool of resources. i change as fast as the city does and that's why im always going to be okay. and for every time i have had to harden myself, i have also made a conscious decision to keep my eyes as wide as they will open all the time. i want to suck up life as fast as it comes. i think this may be the best place to do that.
posted by vic
@ 22:33
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alright marisa, see if it works now. No one's been able to email me, so yer not alone.
one love,
mike
posted by rayve nation
@ 18:18
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mike ray -- what is your email address? i've tried sending mail to mbr10@po.cwru.edu, but it keeps telling me:
----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
mbray@chicago.avenew.com
(expanded from: )
ahhh!
posted by marisa jo
@ 16:17
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last night i allowed myself to play a little game i haven't in quite some time. after the mandatory floor meeting (feul for my fire) i let myself think the horrible, mean thoughts about the people on my floor that i have been suppressing for sometime. see, i dont WANT to think these things because it's angry and it leads to me thinking im better than these people that i dont even know, which im not. but still, sometimes you just have to be wicked and admit that the majority of the 6th floor is insipid, chatty twits. there, i said it. especially that harpie at the end of the hall who is constantly blabbing mindless drivel to anyone within ear shot. "im andrea, im from orlando." we all know!!!! hell, even i know and i dont even talk to anyone on this floor!
at the meeting they all talked about how "bonded" this floor is and how everyone knows each other and how lucky we are to be on this floor that's so "nice" and "talkative". what? what is this world that has been going on outside my door? who are these people and how do they all know each other? they spoke of "parties" and "drinking". the weird part is i dont even feel left out. i feel absolutely no obligation to take part in this bullshit. maybe it's not bullshit, but i still have no interest in it. yes, yes, i am a big fucking wierdo. time for a quick nap.
posted by vic
@ 10:31
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Sunday, September 10, 2000
Realization: emo + techno = moby = perfect
posted by rayve nation
@ 18:33
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"Turn the keys I spin the wheels, if you know how a person feels..."
Just to let all of you guys know, I am no longer going out with Jeff, so I am now the master of my own domain.
oohhh. Right now "I'm Afraid of Everything" is my favorite song (but not because of Jeff). Seriously, that song is one of the most fucking true/perfect/powerful songs I have ever heard. thank you marisa.
love,
mike
posted by rayve nation
@ 16:35
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that was mark again. he needs to learn how to post. fool.
posted by marisa jo
@ 16:17
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DOne with camping brought old jog o wine with us. Fun Fun. Woods. fun fun woods woods.
posted by marisa jo
@ 16:08
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posted by vic
@ 13:34
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posted by rayve nation
@ 13:29
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leper noun. one who is completely devoid of social obligations. see: happy girl alone.
tonight mark called me to tell me that the boys were going to smoke a bowl. so i go downstairs and crawled out the window smack dab into the circle. one of bed caddy's friends was there visiting and he handed me the piece and then proceeded to attempt to light it for me. i didn't know what to do. i just took the lighter from him and said, "yeah, i've been doing this for a while." i then sat down and watched myself morph into this weird, indescribable non-entity. i listened to these boys say, "yeah, we're going to the met tomorrow with two beautiful girls. yep, man." and i didn't know what to do. i tried to talk to them about how great the met is but that fell on deaf ears. then the two beautiful girls showed up and everything changed again. they were both drunk (i hope) and wearing big shoes and tight clothes. neither one of them said "hello" to me. i am invisible. and i saw myself sitting there in my shorts and my grey t-shirt, hair pulled back with a bracelet, crazy bag-lady sequin shoes on and i knew why. the one girl plopped down next to ben caddy and nuzzeled into him and said, "what's your name again?" and touched his mop of curly hair and giggled and said, "what are you smoking?", "oh, marijuana? pass it to me!!!" and then they did and ben lit the pipe for her and held the rush. im surprised he didnt say, "open up! here comes the airplane!" the other girl started shrieking and jumping around because she saw a "rat". the boys eyes all narrowed and i watched these girls morph into weird, indescribable non-entities too. and then i left. mark said he was coming with but then he changed his mind. i came back here and five minutes later he was knocking with pizza. so we hit dame edna (back in effect..she was retired there for a while) and we watched fantasia. it's so amazing to me how inable i am to take my own advice. i just explained to laura earlier that just because a boy has long hair and is "open-minded" doesnt mean he respects your body or your mind. it's hard to find people who fit. mark fits. you all fit. there are other people who fit. and it has nothing to do with gender or anything. when you focus on that stuff that's all people become. i dont ever want to look at anyone and see them as a means to worthless sex ever again. and i am sorry that i have. i dont ever want to have no respect for a person as a person, and not even care what they are like on human level and then have some messy, souless encounter. im all for messy, but it's gotta have some soul. i wish that things didnt have to be like this. i wish that boys still werent looking at girls like meat, and vice versa. i am in no way saying that those girls had noble plans for those boys. i wish that we could stop all of that. it's not real and because of that its worthless. its a game and it just holds us back. you can tell me that its having fun but that is such a lie. its not fun, its hurtful. and we do it because we're all so wrapped up in our hurt. i am too. i just cant try to fix it this way anymore.
i dont know why all these issues i have with sex are coming out here considering im not being directly affected by it nor does it look like i will be anytime soon. as i write this "dozen roses in the car" is playing in the background - "hurricane, what's-her-name mentality was not for me. and it never could be. for it surely brings bitter things and misery". i am beginning to understand a lot of the stuff ive done. and i know what i dont want. i dont know what i do want and i dont know why in like this. i guess that's why im here.
posted by vic
@ 02:20
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